What we are meant to be
by let-them-say-what-they-will
Summary: Tegan and Sara. Quincest and things will happen later in the story. Sara has some problem with her girlfriend, Stacy and the only one who can comfort her is her sister. Tegan was always there for her when she needed, but sometimes things change, and she has some problem dealing with her feelings, and that could bring some issues in her relationship with Lindsey.Sorry for my English
1. The Call

**A/N**  
_This is my first fanfic and, you know, maybe I'm not really good at it. Let me know. _  
_This is the first chap and nothing really happens ahahahaha... it's just an introduction... but I hope you like it.  
Quincest and thinghs will happen later in the story.__  
Reviews are welcome.  
07/22/13 - I want to thank wildfores. She's now editing my text, so I'll not will no longer seem an illiterate_

**Chapter 1: The call**

In the middle of the night, her phone began to ring. She reached out as quickly as possible. She looked at the screen, and the name of her sister was blinking, so she answered the call, knowing that trouble was on the way.

"Hey Sar..." She started with concern.  
"Tegan..." Her sister's voice was just a whisper, "...we're done." Tegan could feel her sister trembling, even through the phone, as Sara started to sob.  
"What's happened?" She asked, already knowing what her sister was going to say.  
"She's gone." Sara whimpered. "Stacy's gone..." And after these words, she began to cry again.  
Tegan wasn't able to say a single word. She simply stood there for minutes... with her sister crying into her ear. Putting a hand on her face, she lowered her head. "Sara..."  
"Please... can you come here?..." Sara's voice was so broken that Tegan's heart lost a beat. She turned to the bed, looking at her girlfriend.  
"I'm coming..."

She stepped silently into the bathroom, and switched on the light. She looked at her face in the mirror, and on her lips flashed a little smile as she found traces of Lindsey on her chin. It was a great night for them. But in the blink of an eye, her mind was on Sara again.  
Tegan took a quick shower and put on the first clothes she found, a pair of black jeans, a striped t-shirt and a hoody. She left a note for Lindsey explaining what has happened. She was sad at the thought of Lindsey waking up without her by her side. But her sister needed her, and she had to reach her.  
The night was cold as she walked to their rented car. Sara's place wasn't too far. When she started the engine, her mind started to run too.  
She was worried about Sara. Lately her relationship with Stacy had been going badly. They started to fight over everything, always arguing. They broke up and got back together too often. But each time, it always became worse. Sara started to take the blame for everything even when she was right. It was like Sara wasn't able to live without that girl and she even gave up her dignity for her. That was hurting Tegan. In the public eye, she could seem like a shy, but strong one, and in a physical way, she was. But hiding behind the shyness, Sara was the strongest person she has ever known. And the Sara that Tegan knew, was slipping away.

Hanging up the phone, Sara buried her head in the pillow. Her body was shaking as she started to cry hard. She screamed her pain into the pillow. She was thinking about her and Stacy. It was going perfect, she felt safe again, and all of a sudden, all was breaking down. They started to fight over everything. She didn't know even why, or maybe she didn't want to admit it, but her sweet Stacy turned into someone else. When they were together alone, in their place, it seems like all was perfect. But whenever the time for business came, Stacy began to be irascible. But at the same time, Sara needed her; she didn't want her to leave.  
Without even knowing how much time had passed, she finally gave in to exhaustion. She did not even have the strength to pull up the sheets to cover her body from the cold air of the night. She fell asleep.

As Tegan reached Sara's house, she knocked at the door a couple of times then searched for the keys Sara's gave her. The house was dark and she headed straight for the bedroom. The only light in the room came from the full moon outside. Tegan stared at her sister for a moment. She was lying on the bed on her stomach, only in a bra and a pair of short pants. Her skin, touched by the light of the moon, seemed like milk. She reached the side of the bed where Sara was lying. Sara had goose bumps for the cold air. Tegan stared at her sister who seemed so weak in that moment. As she touched her back with her fingertips, Sara moaned in her sleep turning on her back. Tegan was now looking at her sister's face. She looked so exhausted, and on her face there were traces of endless tears. Tegan's heart skipped a beat as she bent over her sister to lay a kiss on her forehead. Her hand touched the pillow, still wet for Sara's tears. She softly rubbed her forehead with Sara's, who sighed in her sleep. Tegan could smell the alcohol in Sara's breath. A tear came down her cheek. She couldn't handle the sight of her broken sister. She took the blanket and covered Sara, and then she sat next to the bed, took Sara's hands in hers and leaned her head on her sister's palm after having kissed it.

When Sara woke up, her sister was next to her. Her head on the bed and one of her hands holding her own. She thought that was one of the sweetest things she had ever seen. A moment later she blushed at her thought and then, smiled softly. Sara's ran her hand through her sister's hair, and Tegan started to wake.  
When she opened her eyes, Sara was there, staring at her, leaning on one elbow. Tegan gently squeezed Sara's hand, and they both smiled. In the moment Tegan tried to get up from the floor, she realized that every part of his body was sore from the night. Sara's popped out the bed and to help her to get up, rubbing her hand on Tegan's back, massaging it.

"I'm so sorry Tegan." Sara said.  
"That's ok, I'm fine... it's just... I'm not used to this kind of positions." She chuckled, and a little smile ran on Sara's lips. But just for a moment.  
"I think I'm starting to get used to this kind of night." And a dark shadow crossed her face as she was lowered her head. In that moment she realized that she was only in bra and pants. A hint of pink coloured her cheeks as she reached for the first t-shirts she saw in the room. A soft laugh escaped Tegan. But when Tegan's eyes leaned again on Sara's face and she saw her watery eyes, she went to her.  
"I'm sorry Sar..." And she really was. Not for the laugh, but because of the sense of uselessness she felt in front of her sister's pain. "There is nothing I can do?... do you wanna tell me what happened?" She felt ashamed that those were the only words that came to her mind.  
"You're here, that's all I needed." Sara said before abandoning herself in her sister's arms.

Sara dipped her face in Tegan's neck. Sara's hot breath was fondling Tegan's skin, and she hugged her sister's body tighter. Her heart was running in the moment the first tears fell from Sara's eyes burning her skin. She couldn't help herself, so she kissed her sister's head letting the tears fall from her eyes too. She cried silently for few minutes while her sister was sobbing into her body, shaking both of them. When she began to calm down, Tegan cupped Sara's cheek in her hands and looked into her watery eyes. Sara was lightly blushing, nose almost touching her sister's. Tegan, after wiping her sister's tears with her thumbs, leaned in for a soft kiss on Sara's forehead and then on Sara's eyes and nose and after a moment when their eyes met again, she leaned in to kiss Sara on hers cheek, kissing the corner of his lips too. Sara found herself holding her breath, and when her sister leaned her forehead against hers, she exhaled letting out a soft whimper. They both knew they weren't supposed to be in that situation.

"Don't let her do this to you again." Tegan voice sounded like a plea even if she hadn't meant to. But the truth was that there was nothing in the world that could make her suffer more than seeing her sister hurt. Sara knew it, and that made her feel truly sad. She didn't want her sister to feel bad for her, but she was the only one who she really trusted from the depth of her heart, the only one that she wanted beside her in the worst moments, and the only one who could comfort her. In that moment she realized that lately, she had been able to share with her sister only her pain, when she wanted to give her moments of joy, to see her eyes smiling again.

They were staring at each other with these thoughts in their minds, and neither of them heard the keys in the front door. When the door of the room was opened, Stacy stood there looking at them with dismay.


	2. She had what she wanted

**N/A  
**_Here we are with the second Chapter... I think this story isn't going to be easy ahahaha.  
__Again, I'm so so sorry for my really bad English.  
__Hope you like it :) and reviews are very welcome... so I'll know I'm on the right way.  
Thanks to Wildfore for her help. She's editing my things :)  
_

**Chapter 2: You're on your own**

Sara turned her head towards Stacy without saying a word.

"What the fuck is this?" Stacy said, more with an annoyed tone that with anger, fear or jealousy. It sounded as she hoped to find Sara alone in her sadness.  
"How dare you back?" Tegan voice was rusty as her words came out of her mouth.

Stacy didn't look at her, her eyes always on Sara, who turned her head back to Tegan when she talked. There was something strange in Sara's eyes. Tegan didn't like it. Sara's eyes were confused from the moment of intimacy she was experiencing with her twin sister, and the sight of her girlfriend. A little laugh came from the other side of the room, and Tegan turned her head to face Stacy. It was like an evil laugh, and the words coming next sounded like hell.

"This is MY house Tegan. What are YOU doing here?" She said with a strange light in her eyes.  
"Are you fucking kidding me?" Tegan's screamed out

Her patience was getting thinner every time her ears were slapped with the sound of Stacy's voice.

Sara was standing there... without a sound. Her heart was running, like her eyes from one to the other. Her spine sent shivers throughout her body as she was stumbling into her emotions. She was desperate for the feelings she had for the two girls in the room. But she knew what was going to happen next at the very moment Stacy entered the room interrupting her moment with Tegan.  
Stacy looked at her, and she knew she was going to win this one. She knew how much Sara's needed her and how easily she could bend her to her will. She looked at Tegan again.

"You have to mind your own fucking business, darling." She said mocking her. She knew how much this was going to irritate Tegan.  
"She IS my business... and" but Sara interrupted her.  
"Please, go..." Sara's voice was weak, coming out just as a whisper.

She sounded broken and tired and, most of all, it sounded like surrender.  
Stacy smiled from ear to ear seeing the effects of those words on Tegan. Tegan trembled in anger and confusion. Slowly, she faced Sara again finding her staring blankly. Her eyes were empty, no tears, no life. It was like looking at an empty page in a book. No more feelings, nothing to read, nothing to look for. Just nothing.

"Sara..." she began but Sara lowered her head shaking slightly.  
"Please... go..." Sara repeated, her voice was broken.

Sara knew what she was doing to her sister. She was always by her side, running to her, day and night. Every time she needed her, she was there. She knew how this was hard for Tegan and most of all, she knew all of this was going to end. She knew that one day her sister would be tired of collecting her pieces just to see her fall again. And she felt that time was near. She read it in Tegan's eyes.

Tegan's face was turning red. Her anger focused now on her sister. _How could she do this to me?_ _Waking me in the middle of the night just to send me back home in an instant without even trying to fight her own battle with the bitch that was killing her? How could she be that weak? Where did the Sara I've always loved go?_ But the next thought was even scaring to her because of what it meant... _Why should I even care anymore?_  
She bit her lip with rage, and a few drops of blood flowed out.  
Sara gasped at the hate she was seeing in her sister's eyes.

Tegan turned her back to her sister and stormed out from the room, bumping Stacy that was standing on the way. When she was almost at the front door, her heart cracked at the sound of her sister falling on her knees and starting to sob. She was fighting the urge to go back to her. One moment she was full of hate, and now she was concerned again. How she could love her so much? It's simple... she was her sister, she was her twin, she was her other half, and loving her was the only thing she could do. But she couldn't handle it anymore. Her sister didn't know how she felt. Tegan was always there to help her, always there to collect all the tiny pieces. Sara didn't know, but every time Tegan did that, a little piece of herself went missing.

Sara's was crying hard... Stacy looked at her for few moments and then reached out to her. She helped Sara to stand up and hugged her. Sara thought about how cold her embrace was compared with the one she shared with her sister just few minutes before.

"Hey babe... I'm sorry... I'm so sorry." Stacy words sounded dry to Sara's ears. Every time it was the same thing.

Their fights were getting worse each time, and the words said when they tried to mend themselves sounded more meaningless, old, and redundant. Always the same things would happen, always the same routine. Sara knew that sooner or later this was going to happen again. But she needed her. Stacy was the line separating Sara from her madness. She knew that without her, her feelings would kill her. She loved her so much in the past, but now she was mostly her connection to reality. She still felt something for her, but with every fight, a piece of them was lost. And she felt guilty. She would kneel at Stacy's feet because she felt guilty. She took the blame for their fights because she felt as she was using her and as if she deserved all the pain she was going through. She was using her, trying to feel something that was able to cover her true feelings, even if that something was pure pain.

When Tegan opened the door, Lindsey was coming out from the bathroom, in just her underwear.

"Good morning," Lindsey said with a little smile. "How is she doing?" She asked.  
"I don't fucking care." She said in a rush of anger. But it slipped away in an instant, "I guess she got what she wanted." And even if she didn't intend to, she sounded hurt.  
"What happened?" Lindsey asked with concern, coming up to Tegan. She had dropped the towel she had on her head, freeing her still wet hair.  
"I don't know," Tegan said sadly. "She was asleep when I got to her place. And this morning Stacy was back before we had the chance to talk." The name of Stacy dropped rudely from her mouth.

Lindsey could feel the anger in Tegan. Every time someone hurt her sister, something switched in Tegan, but that was the first time she seen something like this from her. Tegan seemed so tired and hurt... and even if she could understand all the bad feelings Tegan had against Stacy, she didn't really know how to deal with Tegan's feelings for Sara.

"Hey... it's gonna be ok." Lindsey said as she laid her hands gently on Tegan's sides.

Tegan pulled away just to feel Lindsey hands grabbing her again. Tegan fell into her embrace letting her tears flow. For the first time, Lindsey saw Tegan crying over her sister, and that scared her.  
When Tegan started to calm down, Lindsey softly pulled up her head to face her and kissed her on the lips.

"You'll be fine," she whispered.

Tegan cupped Lindsey cheeks into her hands and kissed her again. What began like a soft kiss, deepened quickly. Lindsey opened her mouth to the urge of Tegan. Tegan broke the kiss to look her girlfriend in the eyes, she was beautiful and sweet but in that moment her heart was on fire, and the only thing she wanted was to fuck her hard, right here, right now. Lindsey's skin was burning under Tegan's gaze. There was a new fire in her eyes, and that scared her the most. There were a lot of things in those eyes. There was desire, lust, impatience. But she wasn't able to find love.

She only had a moment for this thought before Tegan's mouth was on her again, her tongue exploring every inch of the familiar place Lindsey's mouth was for her. Tegan led them both to the bed, taking off Lindsey's underwear and unbuttoning her own jeans. A second later they were both naked. Lindsey taking every flash of pleasure and pain that the rude touch of Tegan caused her. Her moaning became louder as Tegan entered her with three fingers. Pulling and pushing without mercy, Lindsey was out of control, her moans louder and louder. And the more she moaned the harder and deeper Tegan went with each thrust. The mixture of pain and intense pleasure brought Lindsey to the edge. With a final rough thrust, Tegan took her to heights never reached before. She came harder than ever in Tegan's hand.

Tegan rolled to the side, panting. Lindsey was trying to catch her breath when she looked over Tegan just to find herself looking at the back of her head. She turned herself, and they were back to back when a little sob began to shake Lindsey body. Maybe her body was filled with a new pleasure and her mind was dragged along too. But now, she felt like an object. Staring at the wall, not a word from Tegan, not even a kiss goodnight. She felt used, and she knew she was. She was the outburst for what was inside Tegan. Silent tears were filling Tegan's eyes. She turned again and pushed herself into Lindsey, cuddling her.

"I'm sorry Linds." Tegan said, and the response was just a sigh from Lindsey.  
"I love you..." The words seemed so heavy and burning on Tegan's lips, and sounded so dry to Lindsey ears, causing her to jolt. Without another word, they both fell asleep.

For the next four days, Tegan received no notices from Sara, and she didn't even try to reach her. The truth was that every time her phone rang, her heart jolted just to sink into sadness when the name on the screen wasn't her sister's name.  
The only good thing was that after that terrible night, all seemed to get better with her girlfriend. They spent a lot of time together, doing everything. Cooking, reading, watching TV, and going out for a walks. They were back to the normality under the sheets too. She was taking care of Lindsey as much as possible, doing everything to make her feel special.  
The evening of the fourth day her phone rang, giving her the usual thrill. But once again, it wasn't her sister's name the one on the display. It was their tour manager.

"Hi Tegan, are you ready for the tour? Two days left!" Kate sounded excited.  
"Hi Kate, yeah... I can't wait..." she replied but not with much conviction.  
"Yeah... I see... you sound extremely excited," Kate replied jokingly.  
"Ahahah... it's just... I'm a little tired and nervous," Tegan said.  
"It's amazing how even after all of those years, you still have anxiety," She said admiringly in an almost maternal tone. "You'll catch up with the guys at the bus, Sara said they'll see you there too,"  
"They?" Tegan gasped.  
"Yeah, Stacy and Sara, they're coming together. Stacy will tour with you for two weeks. She has a work in L.A., so she will travel with you up to there..." After a moment of silence, "I thought you knew. Is there any problem?" she asked with insecurity in her voice.  
"No. Perfect. See you then," Tegan said before hung up the phone.

Needles were slowly piercing her heart cutting off breathing and replacing it with pain.


	3. I live to let you shine

**A/N**

_I know this is going to be a pain in the ass for you guys. I can't say if it's the lack of originality, the lack of writing skills or for my awful English. Plus, this is a very very long chapter (for sure it was for me to write it ahahahah)._  
_But I hope that, at least, one or two of you will appreciate it._  
_I used a song I heard recently for the first time. I fell in love with it. The song is Boats and Birds by Gregory and the Hawk. Listen at it :) It's very nice and maybe you could read the last part with the song in the background. I think more songs are on their way to be used in this fanfiction_  
_Please, leave a comment for me... they are my fuel.  
Thanks to Wildfores for her help with the editing. You're great.  
_

**Chapter 3: I live to let you shine**

Two days left before the beginning of the tour. In the past four days, things seemed to be going very well for Sara and Stacy. Or maybe it was just what Sara desperately needed to believe.

On the first night they had slept separately with Sara on the couch. Her mind ran with memories of the light touch of her sister to the anger in her sister's eyes, the tears she was holding down desperately. A thing she couldn't manage to do in that moment, alone on the rough fabric of the couch. And then, Stacy. Every time she thought about her, she felt like there was a hand in her chest squeezing her heart. They'd been together for almost two years now. She really had cared about her, she had tried to be good for her, hoped that she would be the one to clear her mind and take her where the real love was, letting her touch the feeling. Sometimes she felt so near. But she never quite reached it. The only one who she knew would be able to, was the only one she could never ask. Her mind went to the night where for the first time she really experienced love. It wasn't about sex; it was about... comfort, protection and care, feeling safe and complete. It was a sweet moment. But it was the same moment where everything started to fall apart.

_- Two years before -_

Sara's was in Vancouver and she planned to stay there just for a week. She had some things to do there and also she wanted to spend some time with friends and family. When she arrived at the airport, her sister was there waiting for her with a big smile on her face holding her arms wide open to welcome her sister. Sara had never really liked to touch other people, especially in front of others. She was shy, and most of anybody else, she wasn't really touchy with her sister. Tegan knew it even if she had never understood why. But she had always liked to tease her sister so when she saw her looking at her uncomfortably, she grinned and with her hands invited her sister to get close.  
Sara was putting her luggage down when her sister squeezed her into a hug. Sara patted her sister on her back and pushed away in two seconds.

"Oh really nice of you... we haven't seen in months, and that is all you can give to your sister..." Tegan said teasing her. Sara gave her a mocking smile.  
"Fuck you Tegan," she said chuckling. Tegan tried to make an angry face but burst out laughing.  
"From bad to worse... you really missed me I see," Tegan said jokingly.  
"Oh yeah, I missed you like herpes," Sara said, and she laughed. But the truth was that she really had missed Tegan. In a way that maybe she should not have.  
"I love you too." Tegan said giving her a little pat at the back of her head and then she reached for one of her sister suitcases and the duffel bag she had on her shoulder.  
"Hey no problem Tegan, I can carry it myself," She said trying to hold the bag. But Tegan easily took it away from her hand.  
"Don't act so tough with me baby, you're my little sister," and they both giggled.  
"Oh yeah, I'm sorry, you big macho man."  
"By the way, I thought you'd stay just for a week. For fuck's sakes Sara, it seems like you're gonna to move in. What the hell did you take with you? This damn bag is heavier than you," said Tegan.  
"I said I could carry it myself, but you wanted to play the gentlemen," she said laughing. "I have some things I have to give away," she added.  
"Yeah... but... next time... remind me to mind my own business ok?" and they both laughed before reaching the door.

Sara was searching for a Taxi, but her sister patted her on the shoulder.  
"Come with me," Tegan said simply.  
And after a little walk through the parking lot, they stopped in front of an old Hyundai Tiburon. It was nice even if she had never imagined her sister driving a yellow car.

"And since when do you have a car?" Sara asked, surprising herself when she felt a little sign of grumpiness in her own voice. But it was just because she had always hated when her sister didn't tell her that kind of news. Sara's tone didn't go unnoticed by Tegan, and she laughed.  
"Don't act like a child. I bought it from a friend and I wanted it to be a surprise. I should have remembered that you don't like to be surprised," she said giving her an amused glance.  
"Yeah you should have," Sara said as she pouted and then laughed. But she stopped when she noticed the strange look in her sister face, she was staring at her with intensity.

"What's wrong?" she asked concerned. Tegan shook up like from a dream and smiled at her sister but blushing lightly. For the first time, Tegan had thought about how beautiful her sister was. Maybe it was just because she hadn't seen her in a long time.  
"Nothing, I was just lost in thought," she said trying to be calm even if she was feeling uncomfortable with her thoughts.  
"Oh yeah I could see that, but you were kind of creepy..." Sara said, and she meant it. The intensity of her sister look had made her shake.  
"Oh my little girl, you still get scared out that easily?" and Tegan began to laugh, breaking the tension.  
"You haven't seen your face, it was ugly, like in a horror movie. You would be scared too," Sara said, and they both laughed.

The ride back was funny. Singing songs, listening to the radio, joking and laughing. All in a sudden Sara realized that Tegan was taking her to her house.

"Hey wait, I've booked a hotel room, bring me there," She said with surprise in her voice.  
"Don't be a fool, you can stay at my place, it isn't a problem," Tegan responded.  
"And Lindsey?" Sara asked with a not-so-neutral tone.  
"She's back in LA for work," Tegan said. "You know, you could have asked anyway. We have a guest room. And what about mom? You could have stayed with her. Why a hotel room?" she asked.  
"You know... I like my privacy. And mum, you know her. I could never sleep in or laze. There's always something to do. And you... having you and your girlfriend always around... it's not my dream," She said making a disgusted lament at the end.  
"Oh, now I'm also disgusting... what a pleasure to have you here... maybe I should bring you to the hotel indeed," She said jokingly. After few minutes, she asked "So, are you going to stay with me?"  
"Ok ok, I can survive your presence, but promise me you'll let me sleep till noon," She said mocking.

They reached Tegan's house. Sara was surprised about the cleanliness and the order in there. Her sister was never been the kind of girl who cared about her house. There was always something on the floor or dishes in the sink. Her room was usually a pure mess, and now it was all perfect.

"Oh my God Tegan, what happened to you?" Sara said with fun in her voice.  
"Lindsey, give me two or three days, and this place will look as a hurricane had passed through," and they both laughed.

They managed to do all the things they had to do. Sara took a long shower as Tegan began to cook something for the two of them. When Sara got out of the shower, a really good smell struck her nostrils. She covered herself with an oversized light t-shirt and short pants then joined her sister in the kitchen.

"That smells really good sis, when did you become such a good chef?" she asked.  
"You know, I have to do something to keep my body healthy and sexy," she said laughing.

She turned to face her sister and in the moment her eyes landed on Sara, she was out of breath. Her sister was standing in the doorframe, her shoulder leaning against the doorjamb, legs crossed and her arms gently embracing herself at the stomach, one hand rubbing her other arm. Her hair were completely wet, drops falling on her shirt causing it to sticks to the skin. Even if Tegan didn't want to, she noticed that her sister wasn't wearing a bra. She was starting to blush, so she turned quickly.

"Are you ok?" Sara said while Tegan was turning her back to her again.  
"You really need to dry your hair or you will get a cold," she said trying desperately to sound calm and indifferent.  
"You're right," Sara responded. A moist t-shirt and fresh air were causing her goose bumps, so she went back to her room.

When Sara left the kitchen, Tegan gripped to the edge of the counter._What the fuck it's happening to me?_she thought._It's not like I haven't seen her before like that but... she's so beautiful..._  
She blushed at her own thought._Oh fuck you Tegan, you little insane bitch, what the fuck are you thinking. She's your sister. No way you can call her beautiful. Cute, nice maybe... but not fucking beautiful. And don't dare look at her like that again._Then she started to set the table._But she really is beautiful. She's gorgeous._Tegan started to work around the table, as there was nothing more important in her life. Anything to stop that kind of creepy thought in her head.

In the moment Sara was in front of the mirror, her mouth fell open. Her t-shirt was really wet and didn't leave much to the imagination. She blushed at the thought of her sister seeing her like that. And she blushed even harder thinking about her sister's face when she saw her._Why was Tegan that embarrassed? This isn't the first time she has seen me like this. But it's the first time she's acted like... like what?_She wasn't able to figure it out. But it was not the time to have those kinds of thoughts.  
She wore a bra and a new t-shirt after she dried her hair. A smile ran across her face as she remembered the little present she had for her sister.

A few minutes later, Sara was back wearing a new t-shirt on. For an instant, they gazed at each other with embarrassment but then, Sara smiled.

"I have a little thing for you." She said showing Tegan what she was hiding behind his back.

It was a big colored frame, something that was similar to a puzzle, with place for five photos. In the center there was a photo of the two of them as little children, with their mother. The others were all with just the two of them. In one they were 5, Sara was on the floor crying, and Tegan was near her trying to calm her. In the second, they were young, short hair and Sara was blonde, and she still had her eyebrow piercing. They were seated on the couch together. In the next one, Sara was seated on Tegan's lap. They looked a little drunk, but their faces were happy. Tegan was making a funny face and Sara was like "rock 'n' roll". The last one was from their birthday few years ago. Tegan's arm around Sara's shoulders and a cake in front of them.  
Tegan smiled. This was a really sweet thing. Sara was never been the sweetest or romantic person, not with her at least. And that was really a surprise to her. She rubbed her hand on Sara's arm.

"It's beautiful... thank you Sasa," she said looking at the pictures and still rubbing Sara's arm.  
"You know, I've always wondered why you don't have any pictures of us in your house, so I managed to fix that for you." Sara said smiling and half-joking. "I don't want you to forget about your little sister.  
"Don't try to make it look like I don't care about you..." Tegan responded giggling "I have a couple of pictures of us attached to the inside of my closet's door by the way," she added laughing.  
"Oh what a teenage thing, you missed so much the high school years?" Sara teased her.  
"So much. I used to hit you in that period, remember?" she chuckled. "Anyway, I don't need any pictures. I see you every morning when I look into the mirror. There's no way I can forget about you even if I wanted."

For a long moment, they looked at each other. That truth was so obvious to them both, and nevertheless those words sounded surprising. Their eyes started to explore similar features. They both knew that growing up, the differences between the two of them had come out. But they were twins, they were so similar, and yet so different. It was so strange and so powerful. They were exploring every inch of their faces with hungry eyes. Sara's eyes froze on Tegan's labret for a moment. She had always found that piercing kind of sexy._Sexy, Sara? Really?_Then she moved her eyes on her sister's lips. Staring at the soft flesh started a fire in Sara's chest. Lust and guilt. Something so intense that she didn't know how to manage it._What do they taste like? Are they soft as they seem?_It wasn't the first time she had to face those kinds of thoughts but that was the first time she actually did it with her sister in front of her, looking at her. But she was her twin, and there was no way she could do such a thing to her. She knew that she was going to lose her if she had tried to do anything. And she didn't even know if it was really what she wanted. How can I have this fucking thoughts? It's insane. I'm fucking insane.

But her actions contrasted with her thoughts. Her hand reached her sister chin. Slowly Sara let her thumb touch Tegan's bottom lip, rubbing softly at it. Her breath was short as her heart start to run._What am I doing? Please Tegan, stop me... kiss me. Do something._Tegan was still standing there, without a move. Her heart was running too. Her eyes fixed in Sara's ones. Tegan didn't even notice that she was holding her breath until the moment Sara parted her lips pressing softly with her thumb on the bottom one. In that moment she released a sigh, her heart screamed. Sara's pulse was in every part of her body, even in those where it wasn't supposed to be, not for her sister. Tegan started to move in, and in the very moment Sara could feel her breath on her lips, she was gone.

Tegan ran to the bathroom. Tears on her face._Oh my God, Oh fuck. What the hell is going on? What the fuck am I doing?_Tegan's mind was running in every possible direction, confusing her and making her heart ache.

Sara reached for the table. Her eyes on the thumb that seconds before was on Tegan lips. Her knees too weak to stand. She was cursing herself for all that happened and for the consequences that inevitably were to come._What the fuck have I done? I know... she hates me now._

Tegan came out of the bathroom after almost an hour. Another hour passed without any word. Sara went out when she understood she wasn't able to handle the situation, the silence. After a few hours, Tegan began to worry about her sister but then she received a text from Sara.

– I'm at the hotel. Tomorrow I'll come back to take my luggage... I'm sorry –

Tegan looked at the phone for few minutes. She felt so empty. She didn't know how to feel about what had happened, but one thing was for sure. She didn't want to lose her.

– Ok, as you want... but... you don't have to... I mean... you can come back home anytime if you want... ok? Anyway, don't forget dinner with mom on Saturday –

Sara stared at her cellphone for what seemed like hours. She should be mad at me, she thought._How is it possible she isn't?_With all these thoughts in her mind, she fell asleep due to exhaustion.

Tegan rested on the bed for the rest of the day, waiting for any kind of signal from her sister. But late in the night, when finally sleep embraced her, she hadn't had any sign from her.

Early in the morning Sara woke up restless. She left the hotel to go to her sister house, and opened the door with the keys Tegan gave to her. She slowly went to her room to take her things. Sara was going toward the door, but when she was almost out, she softly put down her suitcases and went toward Tegan's room. The door was open so she slipped inside without making a noise. Her sister was asleep. She smiled watching at her, remembering how deeply she could sleep. But her smile faded away seeing the sadness in her sister face. Even if she were sleeping, her face looked tired and unhappy. And she couldn't help herself but feeling guilty for all the things her sister was going through. It was her fault._What the fuck was I thinking? Obviously I wasn't thinking at all. I knew it was wrong. I'm so fucking selfish even if I knew I was going to hurt her, to hurt me... to break us forever. You are a fucking insane bitch Sara._With tears in her eyes, Sara gently pulled back the bangs from her sister's sweaty forehead. A little moan escaped Tegan as she turned her head. For an instant Sara held her breath. A moment later she was gone.

When Tegan woke up that day, was almost noon. Even after hours of sleep, she was tired. Her sheets were damp. On her way to the kitchen she passed Sara's room, she saw the door wide open. Her sister's suitcases were gone. Her heart ached as she reached the bed where her sister was supposed to sleep, and she dipped into the blankets crying hard._I've lost her._She thought crying even harder._Why am I so fucking stupid?_

For two days Sara heard no news from Tegan. Her heart was heavy and sometimes she found herself out of breath. She didn't know what to do. Maybe the only thing was to go back to her home. But just as she was thinking about that, her phone blinked. Her heart jumped as she saw her sister's name on the screen. It was a text, and she was glad it wasn't a call because she wasn't sure she had the strength to push the button to take the call. A few minutes had passed even before she had the courage to read the text. It was short, just few words.

– Please Sara... come back home... please... –

There was nothing else to say. Tegan had no other words left in her mind. She had been thinking so much and after two days of struggling in her sadness the only thing she knew was that she wanted her sister back. No matter what.

Sara cried hard. Her guilty feelings made her heart heavier, but the only thing she wanted, was to come back to Tegan. Sara stood on her hotel room crying for almost two hours before take her belongings and going back to her sister's home. When she reached her sister's house she was wet for the tension and the effort to drag along her suitcases after two sleepless nights. She knocked softly on the door. She heard a slight noise behind the door, and she instantly knew that her sister was waiting for her there, sitting with her back against the door. One moment later the door was open. They both looked at each other for some infinite seconds. Signs of sadness and tiredness around their eyes. And then they cried together. Sara left her suitcases to hug her Tegan. They hugged desperately as if their lives were depending on that. And in some way it was really like that. In these past few days, for the first time they thought that they were going to lose each other. And the thing they both found out was that neither of them was able to imagine her life without the other.

"I'm so sorry Tee, I don't know what happened. I'm so sorry... please don't hate me..." Sara was desperate.  
"You don't need to say anything Sar... it's all ok. It was all my fault. Just... don't think about it." She tried to console her, but the truth was that both of them were going to think about it all the time.

For the rest of the day, and even the day after, they acted almost normally. They spent time together watching movies and reading and singing, laughing pretending there was nothing between them. Pretending there wasn't any feelings. Pretending nothing had happened. They both avoided the subject and avoided each other's touch. Sara wasn't a really "touching person" even before that, but Tegan thought that if that was the price to pay to have her sister back, it was ok. She just really needed to feel her presence.

That night, there was a terrible storm. The rain was heavy, and the thunder was so loud that it seemed like the world was going to end. Tegan knew that her sister had always hated storms and that one was one of the worst she had ever seen. So Tegan decided to go to check on her sister knowing about her fear. She slowly opened the door of her sister's room. Lightning illuminated the room and Tegan could see her sister hiding completely under the blanket. The thunder following the lightning was so loud that both Tegan and Sara gasped. Sara stuck her head out from under the sheets and looked at Tegan.

"Are you ok?" the older of the two asked.  
"Y-yes..." Sara said beneath the sobs.  
"Ok... so... I just wanted to... make sure you were ok... ok?... 'night" Tegan said turning her back to her sister.  
"NO!" Sara screamed out louder than she wanted to. "Please stay... don't... don't go." she was very scared and Tegan could see that. "Don't leave... I mean..."

Sara wasn't sure if that was a good idea seeing what was happened few days ago. She was too scared to think about anything. But the words didn't want to come out. She wanted to ask to her sister to sleep with her but she couldn't.  
It wasn't necessary. After few seconds, her sister was there, by her side. She felt the pressure on the mattress as Tegan slipped under the sheets with her. She could feel her breath on the back of her neck.

"It's ok Sar... I'm here..." Tegan could feel her sister tremble near her, in her fetal position.

She gently leaned a hand on her sister's side causing her to jolt. Tegan immediately withdrew her hand but Sara quickly reached it and rested their hands on her stomach as she pushed herself further in her sister. Tegan tightened her hold on her sister as her fingers entangled.

"I will take all the lightning for you," Tegan said in a whisper.

Sara squeezed her hand in response as a little sob escaped her. The warm breath of Tegan on Sara's neck caused her chills and goose bumps at the first, but than she found that it was calming on her, adapting her breath rate to Tegan's. After a few minutes, she was falling asleep half conscious about her sister's thumb rubbing her stomach.

It didn't occurred immediately to Tegan that their hands were slipped under her sister's tank top. When she realized that, her heart began to run and her breathing became erratic. And her heart jumped when her thumb reached the softness of her sister's breast. Her hand stopped immediately, and even if she knew her sister was fell asleep a few minutes earlier, she feared that Sara could notice the heavy beating of her heart. Several minutes passed before she could found herself calm again. Tegan pushed her lips gently on Sara's neck, kissing her softly before let the sleep take her.

Tegan woke up the next day with the smell of coffee filling her nostril. She knew she wasn't going to find her sister at her side when she turned her head, but it stung a little anyway. She crawled into the sheets for few minutes before finding her way to the kitchen. Other than the soft smell, there was something else filling the air in the house: the soft voice of her sister. She was singing to herself. She stood behind the closed door listening to her sister singing to the music played at low volume.

_If you'll be my boat__I'll be your sea  
__a depth of pure blue just to probe curiosity  
__ebbing and flowing and pushed by a breeze  
__I live to make you free__I live to make you free_

_but you can set sail to the west if you want to  
__and past the hori -_

Tegan entered the room and Sara immediately stopped her singing, blushing. Tegan took a cup and served herself some coffee before seating in front of her sister. The music was flying in the air between them. Tegan sipped her coffee and turned her face to her sister. Watching her sister straight in the eye Sara began to sing along the song again.

_if you'll be my star__I'll be your sky  
__you can hide underneath me and come out at night  
__when I turn jet black and you show off your light  
__I live to let you shine_

Sara's had a shiny look on her face as they both sang_"I live to let you shine"_Tegan stood up reaching her, she softly hugged Sara from behind and whispered in her ear.

_but you can skyrocket away from me  
__and never come back if you find another galaxy  
__far from here with more room to fly  
__just leave me your stardust to remember you by  
__stardust to remember you by_

And a little tear fell from her eye, falling on Sara's neck. Sara closed her eyes, tilted her head back and rested it on her sister's shoulder. Her hands were rubbing Tegan's arms as Tegan gently kissed her cheek. Sara turned her head and did the same thing, her lips touching the corner of her sister's ones. She rested her forehead on her sister cheek as she reached the other one with her hand, caressing it gently.  
They stood like that for a long time, just feeling the shivers their breath caused to the other twin, and listening to the fast beating of their hearts.


	4. Loving you isn't the right thing to do

**A/N**  
_This is another 'flashback' chapter, so now you know the whole story behind the behaviour of Tegan and Sara in the present time of the story. I'm quite sure this will be the last 'flashback' :)_  
_I've used the song You can go yuour own way by The Cranberries in this chapter (tho you can think/heard the Fleetwood Mac original version or other version... as you like. It's just that the one from Cramberries was the first I've heard and the one I've liked the most)_  
_Thanks to Wildfores for helping meeeeeeeee  
Reviews are always welcom._

**Chapter 4: Loving you isn't the right thing to do**

Tegan watched at her girlfriend at her side. She was asleep, her breath at a steady pace. She was so sweet. She had always been so sweet. And she felt bad for all the things she was doing to her. She loved her so much, and she still loved her, but she didn't know if she was the one she loved the most anymore. Her heart ached at the thought. There was something growing inside of her, something she tried to fight so hard, but she didn't know if she was able to do it anymore. She knew that Lindsey had noticed a change. Lindsey was trying to hold her by her side, doing everything Tegan wanted, giving her more attention than ever before; and that was killing Tegan even more. _How can I do this to her? How could I have chased such an angel just to rip her wings out? No, I can't. We will be ok._ She leaned in to kiss Lindsey on the cheek. The girl smiled in her sleep making Tegan's heart melt. _We will be ok._ The confusion in her mind was driving her mad. Every time she became desperate, she found something that kept her tied to the sleeping woman at her side. It was always something small, something sweet, but something that made her heart melt. And each time Tegan cursed herself for her thoughts. And each time the cycle ended and began again, she felt worse and worse. Her heart was a time bomb, and she feared the day she would not be able to control herself anymore.

She hopped off the bed and went to the bathroom. She stared at her own reflection, thinking about the next day, the bus, her sister. Suddenly her mind was running to places and memories that she wanted to avoid. But she couldn't help herself...

– _A year and half before –_

"Hi Tegan, how are you?" Her sister's voice and smile from the laptop monitor filled her with joy.  
"Hi Sar-" she was interrupted by Lindsey  
"Hiiiiiiii Saraaaaaa," Lindsey said with a childish voice causing Sara to laugh and smile widely. Tegan grabbed her girlfriend by her hips and pushed her down on her lap just to ruffle her hair. Tegan saw Sara's smile fade away for a moment. But in a blink of an eye, her sister was smiling again. She couldn't help but feel a little sting in her chest as she released Lindsey. She sat down at her side.  
"I see you are doing good," Sara said looking at the two girls, the smile always on her face.  
"Yeah, and what about you? You haven't called for weeks. I was starting to worry," Tegan said sticking her tongue out to her sister.  
"Oh yeah, I can see..." she giggled. "You know, it would not hurt you to pick up the phone and call me yourself," She said and Tegan felt a pinch of disappointment in her sister voice. She felt a little guilty.  
"You know, it's strange given that she always says how much she misses you..." said Lindsey shoving jokingly Tegan with her shoulder.  
"Shut up you," Tegan said to her girlfriend smiling and shoving back. But she blushed slightly when she turned her head to her sister again.  
"I miss you too... so much," Sara said giving Tegan a shy smile and blushing herself.  
"Awww... You two are too cute," Lindsay said with a large smile and then she laughed. The two of them joined her laughing awkwardly.  
"So... I was calling to give you a big news," Sara said, and for a moment her eyes looked at something behind her laptop.  
"What is it?" Tegan said, her heart was going a little faster. They saw Sara stood up and walked up to the screen. When she said, "Come here," they were able to see only Sara's legs. A few second later, they saw Sara seated on her couch with a girl that was holding her hand.  
Tegan was smiling but inside her chest, her heart was starting to run. She could feel its pulse in her throat.  
"So, this is Stacy, my girlfriend," Sara said smiling.  
"Hi guys..." Stacy said a bit intimidated. That was the first time she was talking to Tegan, and she didn't expect to see her girlfriend too.  
"Hey Stacy... nice to meet you. It too bad we have to do these presentations via computer, don't you think?" Lindsey was happy to see the girl nodding and then smiling.  
"Yeah... I hope to see you soon..." Stacy said.  
Sara could see the fake smile on Tegan face. Something in her guts was aching. But in that moment Tegan talked.  
"How long are you been dating? Where were you hiding this beautiful woman, sis?" She tried to sound happy and playful, even if she knew that Stacy and maybe Lindsey could buy it, but not her sister. Sara looked at her trying to hide her anger. _Why is she such an asshole? She doesn't want me to be happy, does she?_ Her eyes clouded with sadness. _Tegan, I want to be happy. I need to try to be happy. I need to try to love someone... someone else_. Tegan softened her glance like she was reading Sara's mind. They both smiled but it was not a smile of joy.  
"It's a month now," Stacy said happily.  
"Yeah, this is like a gift for our first month together..." Sara turned her head and made a funny gesture indicating the screen "honey... meet the family," and they laughed.  
"Yeah, it's a miracle she lasted that much with a mess like you," Tegan said, and a moment later she was punched jokingly by her girlfriend that was smiling near her.  
"Thank you TeeTee," Sara said giving her a middle finger.  
"Oh I think she's perfect," Stacy said, cupping Sara cheeks to turn her to face her. She leaned in for a soft kiss. Something inside of Tegan was screaming.  
"So... we have to go, we're going out for dinner." Sara said, looking awkwardly at her sister. "See you soon... I love you."  
"Love you too... and Stacy I hope to see you soon, take care of her." She said trying not to impose her feelings upon her.  
Lindsey and Stacy waved their hands goodbye.

"She seems a nice girl though," Lindsey said standing up from the couch.  
"Yeah, I hope she'll make her happy," said Tegan.  
She felt Lindsey eyes on her. She tried to smile to her. Lindsey smiled back even if there were something in her eyes.  
"Ready for bed?" Lindsey said, grabbing Tegan wrist and leading her to bed.

She laid down on the bed thinking about her sister. Hating herself for the jealousy that had rushed through her body when she had seen Sara's new girlfriend. The truth was that after the strange week with her sister six months before, she felt something growing in her day by day. After her sister had left, and she was alone again, she felt terrified about what happened, about her feelings. When Lindsey was back, she felt safe again. They were even closer. But she knew in the depth of her heart that this new attachment wasn't due to love, but of fear. Fear to fall. But she would never admit that to herself.

– _Current day –_

Her sister's face was looking at her in the reflection of the mirror. Tegan reached out with her hand and touched the mirror at the height of her lips. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath and exhaled it slowly. A single tear rolled down her right eye while her mind was surfing the past again.

– _A year before –_

Tegan and Lindsey were going to pick up Sara and Stacy at the airport. They were coming to visit them. Tegan hadn't seen her sister since THE WEEK. She was happy and nervous at the same time. She tried so hard not to think about what she had inside, and she thought she was doing well. Her relationship with Lindsey was great, and she felt happy. At least, she thought she was. But now, waiting for her sister, she knew that it wasn't all right. She was standing here, and her heart was running.

Sara was holding Stacy's hand. Her palm was damp, but it was neither for the contact nor for the heat. It was for her, for Tegan. She missed her so much, she was trying desperately not to think about her feelings, and she was happy with her relationship with Stacy. She was sweet and caring. But since the moment they planned to visit Tegan, her mind was everywhere but her girlfriend. Her heart was beating so fast that she didn't know how no one had noticed. A few minutes later, there she was.

Their heart jumped as they eyes found each other amongst the crowd. Sara froze for seconds. _Oh my God, she's so beautiful. How can I stop lo..._She screamed in her head to stop her thoughts. But even if she were able to stop thinking, she had no power in her heart, and her heart was running for her sister. A moment later even her legs were moving fast too.

Tegan watched her sister running in her direction. The biggest smile formed on her face. She wanted to go to her, but her knees were shaking. A moment later her sister stopped just a step away from her.

"Hi Tegan." Sara said just holding a hand on her sister shoulder.  
For a moment, Tegan's heart stopped. Sara smiled widely and pulled her sister into a warm hug. Tegan embraced her tighter, her arms around her sister waist. Sara's arms were at Tegan's neck, one hand rubbing her hair at the back of her head. Tegan leaned her head in the crook of her sister neck.  
"You can't understand how much I've missed you," said Tegan.  
Tegan's hot breath was hitting Sara's skin. Sending her shiver with every exhale. Her breath was short like Sara's.  
"No... YOU have no idea..." Sara raised Tegan's head by her chin to face her. She gave her a soft kiss on her cheek and squeezed her tighter for a couple of seconds. It was enough to feel the fast beat of Tegan's heart. They untied from their embrace. Stacy and Lindsey were staring at them. They smiled embarrassed.  
"We meet, finally," Tegan said flashing her gummy smile as she hugged Stacy. Then she grabbed her suitcase.  
"Nice to meet you Tegan... thank you," She responded giving her a smile.  
Lindsey was hugging Sara, and when she lets her go, she hugged Stacy too.  
They left the airport and reached Tegan's car.

"Hey, I think you two need some rest. We'll leave you at your hotel ok?" Tegan said.  
"Yeah, that sounds good, I didn't sleep much on the plane, she scared of flying just as much as you Tee," Sara said, and Stacy blushed a little.  
"Mmmm maybe I should leave you right here," said Tegan jokingly, and they all laughed.

A few minutes later they were at the hotel and Sara and Stacy did their check-in.  
"Hey guys, we'll see you tomorrow ok?" said Tegan.

A week passed without any problems. They went out together almost every day and spent time together having fun. Both Tegan and Sara did the best not to spend too much time alone with the other. Sara was afraid that getting too close to her sister would make her lose control. And now she had Stac; she loved her, she knew she loved her. But she knew that she didn't love her as much as Tegan. Every time she thought about that, her heart ached. She was trying to be good for Stacy, and most of the time she was. But sometimes she was overwhelmed by her feelings for Tegan and in those moments she felt like a cheater.

Tegan, on the other hand, she didn't know how to manage these feelings. She didn't even know what she was really feeling. She loved Lindsey so much, she chased her for years and when she made her hers, she was the happiest girl in the world. And all in a sudden, she wasn't sure about her love anymore. Nay, she still loved her, but there was something so powerful that she felt only in the presence of her sister. She has been there for all her life, but she never felt like that before. But what is it? _Am I really in love with my sister? Or this is just because... I don't even know. What's happening?_ She didn't know. This was why they tried to avoid each other. They weren't ready to deal with those feelings.

"Hey Sara, tomorrow it's your the last day here. Lindsey and I would like to have you over at our place for dinner," Tegan said to her sister.  
"Sure Tee, that would be great. See you tomorrow then," Sara said.  
"Ok, I'll pick you two up at eight," Tegan said before hanging up.

Tegan was waiting for her sister, seated in her car. She saw the doors opening and for a moment she remained breathless. Her sister was... wonderful in her black skinny jeans, a simple white button up and a black waistcoat. She was shifting her bangs from her forehead as Tegan was taking in all every detail of her sister's beauty.

When Sara reached the car and took the seat near Tegan, Stacy took the back seat. As Sara turned to face her sister, she found Tegan staring at her. She blushed lightly.  
"Hey Tee... how... what's wrong?" she asked.  
"It's... I.. nothing. It's just that is... it's a shame that you have to leave already." She looked in the rear-view mirror, "Hi Stacy."  
"Hi Tegan." Stacy smiled at her.  
Tegan started the engine. And when she placed her hand on the gearshift, she felt the soft touch of Sara's fingertips on her hand. Tegan turned her head to Sara and when they eyes met... they both blushed. _This is going to be a long night._ They both thought.

The dinner was going great. The four of them were talking about work, the songs for the new record, books, and movies. In the mean time, they had emptied at least a couple bottles of wine.  
"I get the dessert," Tegan said and she headed to the kitchen.  
"Need a hand?" Sara said rising from her chair to follow her sister. Lindsey and Stacy were thus taken by their conversation that they didn't notice the two sisters leaving.

Tegan was near the oven when her sister entered the room closing the door behind her. She turned her face to her sister and smiled. When she saw her sister was moving toward her, her heart began to go faster.  
"How is the pie?" Sara said looking to the content of the oven. "It smells good," she added.  
"Yeah, you know... Lindsey, she's a great at cook," Tegan said.  
"How is going with her?" Sara asked. Tegan froze right there. _I don't know anymore_. She thought but she said, "Great." Still avoiding her sister eyes.  
"And you? How is with Stacy?" she asked.  
"Great," she said, almost mocking her sister. They stand there for a couple of minutes. Tegan's heart was running so fast that she thought it wanted to escape her chest.  
"I'll grab another bottle of wine," Sara said turning around, not capable of handling the awkward silence anymore. She took only two steps before feeling her sister's hand gripping her wrist.  
"Just... wait," Her sister turned her. They were just inches distant. They were staring at each other. The room was filled with the sound of their hearts beating fast. Tegan's hand reached out for Sara forehead, and pushed Sara's bangs behind the ear. Her hand rested there as her eyes went back to her sister's ones. Sara was drowning in her sister eyes, and in her own emotions, incapable of moving. Her face was red as her sister gently rubbed her thumb against her cheek.  
"I just need..." Tegan was trying to say something but her breath was short, her mind numbed, and she didn't know how to say to her sister that she needed to know... that she needed to know if she was really in love with her or if it was just... just what? She didn't care. Suddenly all she wanted was to taste her sister's lips.  
"I.." she tried again without success.  
She didn't even noticed she was unconsciously moving in, inhaling Tegan scent and the smell of wine in her breath just a moment before Tegan's lips were on hers. She was frozen. Her sister lips were so soft and gentle on hers, and that was the moment she had dreamed for years, and she froze. Tegan was desperate. Her sister was still standing in front of her without making a single movement. She moved back, even if she had been in love, her sister didn't feel the same, didn't want her. She felt so hurt and embarrassed she just wanted to die.  
"I'm sor.." Tegan was trying to apologize but was cut off by Sara's index fingers, now on her lips.  
Sara just shook her head before lean in. Their lips merged perfectly together. They were kissing slowly, trying to fix in their mind every single detail of the moment. The softness of their lips, how perfect they melted together. Sara's right hand reached out for the back of Tegan's neck. The moment Tegan felt her sister's hand, a soft moan escaped her and she felt her sister's tongue rub her bottom lip. She opened her mouth to let her sister's tongue slip in. They were exploring each other slowly but with passion. Tegan's hands were now on Sara's hips, she was pulling her closer as she moved hers to make contact. They were both driven mad by the pulse between their legs.

It was Sara who was the one to break the kiss. Only in that moment did she notice her sister crying, and that she was crying too. Sara was so scared and so angry with herself. She tried so hard to fight that feeling becasue she always thought it was wrong. She felt guilty. _How could something so good be so wrong? How could it be wrong if it felt so right?_ She didn't know what to do, or what to say.

"Are you happy now?" she sounded rough, she knew her tone was going to hit her sister like a slap in the face. And she was trying to resist the pain in her own chest. That was all she always wanted, and all she always tried to avert. She had thought she was sick, a freak. But mostly because she was sure her sister was going to hate her for her feelings. Except now Tegan was there, she kissed her... but all of those years of torment had filled her heart with fear. She freaked out. A little part of her wanted to hug her sister but the rest of her just wanted to run away. She wanted to run back to the life she was trying to build with Stacy, a normal life. But the worst thing was that she was blaming her sister for something she had done herself. _What the fuck is wrong with me?_ She thought, her mind overwhelmed, her windpipe was tightening. She needed to get away. Sara just turned and headed to the door, and she heard her sister saying, "I'm sorry," just a moment before the door closed behind her.

"We need to go, I'm... I'm not feeling good." Sara said to Stacy "Please..." Stacy stood up from her seat and leaned a hand on Sara's back.  
"Hey honey, what's wrong?" Stacy tone was concerned.  
"It's just... I need my puffer, I forgot it," she said. Her breath was almost normal again. But her heart was aching like never before, and any pretext would have been good to leave.  
"Ok, let's go," Stacy said. "See you soon Lindsey, say goodbye to Tegan."  
"Yeah, of course... I'm so sorry Sara," Lindsey said giving her a smile.  
The moment they reached the door, a loud sound came from the kitchen.

Tegan took the pan with the cake and threw it against the wall. Tears falling like a waterfall. _Fuck you Tegan, what the fuck were you thinking? You fucked up you know that? Your sister. She's going to hate you... she will never talk to you again. And for what? You asshole, you actually thought that all this would lead to something good? What you thought, that you would have lived happily ever after? God she's your sister, she has a girlfriend... you HAVE a girlfriend_. The door opened and Lindsey was there. Tegan looked at her, her heart exploding into a million pieces.

"What's happening?" Lindsey said running to Tegan.  
"I-..." She was unable to speak. All she did was hug Lindsey. She cried into the crook of her neck for seems like hours. When her sobs calmed down, Lindsey released her from her embrace.  
"I'm sorry... I burned my hand and I dropped the baking tray," she knew Lindsey wasn't going to buy it, even because the pan was at the other side of the room, but she knew that Lindsey wasn't going to ask her anything. After all of that time together, Lindsey had learned when Tegan wasn't in the mood to talk about her problems. Even if she hated the walls Tegan built sometimes around he feelings, she had learned to live with it.

That night Tegan fell asleep in Lindsey arms as she was gently rocking her. Her sister was in her mind... her last words. She felt so hurt by them. A moment before they were kissing passionately, and a moment later her sister was looking at her with anger and fear. _Was it that disgusting for her? Is she disgusted by me now? Will she ever look at me again?_ She felt so stupid.

Sara was lying on her bed staring at the shadows dancing on the ceiling. Stacy was at her side, giving her her back. Stacy knew that Sara needed her space, and Sara was glad about that. Her sister was in her mind... She secretly loved her for years, and she had tried in every way to hide that feeling. With Stacy, she thought she had found someone who could remove her sister from her mind. She was trying to build a life with her. She really loved her. She still loved her. _But she is not you._ She thought caressing her lips with her fingers. A lonely tear fell from the corner of her right eye.

The next day Lindsey and Tegan went to pick up Sara and Stacy to take them to the airport. Tegan didn't want to go, she wasn't sure she could stand in front of her sister. She had never felt so much fear and shame. She was sure her sister hated her after last night. But on the other hand, she knew she could not see her for a long time. Maybe that could have been the last time she would see her sister at all. Maybe she wouldn't be able to look at her, but she wanted just to feel her presence. She needed to know if they could stay in the same place together without freaking out. She wanted to know if her sister could stand by her side. She knew it was too early, it's all happened just the night before. _I've lost her... but I need to see her one last time. She has to know that I'm sorry._ Her mind was going everywhere incoherently.  
And when Sara came out from the front door of the hotel, her heart stopped again, just like the day before.

Sara and Stacy took the back seats. Just a few words of greeting were shared, then the car fell silent. The drive to the airport wasn't too long, but the awkward silence in the car was too much for Tegan, so she turned the radio on. Sometimes Stacy or Lindsey sang along with the radio, sometime they were just moving their heads to the rhythm. Tegan sometimes glanced at her sister through the rearview mirror. Sara was wearing sunglasses, so she thought she was looking out the window because her face was slightly turned that way. But Sara was looking at her, feeling a thrill every time her sister's eyes were falling on her, but Tegan eyes were still swollen.

They had almost arrived when known notes echoed throughout the car. Sara turned her head to look forward. And she began to sing along to the song.

_Loving you__  
__Isn't the right thing to do__  
__How can I ever change things__  
__That I feel_

Tegan was shivering when she began to sing the second verse, her heart in tumult and her voice trembling.

_If I could__  
__Maybe I'd give you my world__  
__How can I__  
__When you won't take it from me_

Tegan looked at her sister, she saw her lower lip quivered as the song was going on into the car.

_You can go your own way__  
__Go your own way_

And when Sara heard Tegan's voice again, a little tear gleamed on her cheek.

_If I could__  
__Baby I'd give you my world__  
__Open up__  
__Everything's waiting for you_

A few minutes later they arrived at the airport, the four of them walking to the gates silently. For just an instant, Sara's hand brushed against Tegan's, but that was enough for them both to feel their heart beat faster.

They arrived at the check in where they had to separate. Lindsey and Stacy hugged each other and Tegan and Sara. Then, Tegan was in front of Sara.

"Goodbye," was the only word that came out from Tegan's mouth.  
Sara raised her sunglasses, revealing her swollen eyes.  
"See you, Tegan," Sara said giving her a weak smile.  
Then she turned away.

– _Two months later –_

- I love Lindsey. I'm trying to be happy. But I can't without you by my side. -  
- I will always be here for you. You will never lose me. I love you Tegan. -  
- I love you too. -


	5. Don't touch me

**A/N**  
_Yeah, I feel good about this chapter... or better... about my English ahahaha. I think I'm getting better. Let me know._  
_And I hope you like it. I mean... I think it's a good one._  
_Reviews are very very welcome... at least... let me know if someone is still reading this thing._

**Chapter 5: Don't touch me**

Sara was in her room, packing all the stuff for the tour. Her shirts were perfectly bent, and everything was in its place. She checked several times the contents of the suitcases to be sure she didn't forget anything. Her OCD always came out in this occasion. She was a maniac of order and control, and everything she was not able to control, scared her. And that was one of the reason why she was scared at the moment. In a couple of hours, she was going to meet her sister at the bus. The tour was about to begin, and in the last few days things got complicated.  
She was so scared for the feeling she had inside, and she was trying so desperately to convey those feelings on Stacy. She knew it was not fair, and she knew she was failing. And that was the second reason why she let Stacy does whatever she want. She felt guilty for using her to remain sane. In the beginning of their relationship, it was all great. She felt safe and almost sane. She felt so near to a normal life. That was all she wanted, and all she tried so hard to have. She thought she was could rip out all that sick feelings. But she was fooling herself. She knew it. Every time she looked at her sister, she knew it. Every time her sister touched her, she knew it.

And she blamed herself for Stacy behaviour lately. It was her fault if they had started to fight all the time. It was her fault because she wasn't able to love her completely. It was her fault because she couldn't let her go. She needed her, and she felt so selfish that she thought she deserved every single bad thing Stacy did. She thought she deserved her hardness, her angriness. She didn't ever raised a hand on her, but if she had done that, she would have thought she deserved it. Because she was using Stacy. She knew she was using her pretending to love her fully, wishing to fully love her.  
And then she blamed Tegan. It was easier when she was the only one, when this was only her problem, when she could think it was only in her mind. It was easier try to love someone else when she knew there was no chance to been loved back. But lately, something changed. Her sister changed. And then it happened. They kissed. And that was the most intense moment in her life. And that was the most painful moment in her life. And that was the most sick moment in her life. And that was the moment her heart broke. The most painful thing was that the only person she knew could put her back together, was the only one that could break her just looking at her. And that was the moment her life has she knew, came to an end. That wasn't meant to happen. They weren't meant to be.  
Sometime she hoped to be dead. It was easier to die one time that feel like dying every time she was around Tegan. It would be easier because she knew that she couldn't live without her, and that she would feel to die for the rest of his life. Because even the consciousness that those feelings were going to kill her, didn't overshadow the need she had to feel her sister. And that was breaking her. The more she pulled away, the more she craved her. And she was the only one on which she could rely.  
That made happen the most ridiculous things. Like few nights before, when she called her because Stacy was gone. Tegan was her problem, and she was calling her to solve her problems. That was messing up her mind. Twisting her guts.  
And sometime she blamed Tegan, again. Because Sara's was born like that. She was born freak. She felt like that since she could remember. She fought so long against her feelings, and there were moments when she almost felt as a winner. Sometime she found someone special that made her feel like a normal human being, like she was about to live a real normal life, a normal love. But that always lasted a little time. Because sooner or later, her sister was near her, again. And in those moments she wanted to die, because she knew she was breaking someone else's heart. Hand she hated herself for that. And every time she swore it would be the last time. But then, someone else came closer and closer to her, and her hopes rekindled, and she fell again. It was a vicious circle, but she was almost capable to survive at it, till her sister decided to take an active part in it. When they were young, it sounded good to been in a band with her, that would give her the chance to be by her side. But soon it became like a nightmare. Because Tegan was always by her side. And she can't help herself but feel what she felt. And her sister was there. She moved on the other coast of the country, and things seemed to go better. She fell in love, and was loved back but at some point, she always lost it. Because, in the end, her heart went always back, and her ex-girlfriends felt it, and that was how her relationship always ended.  
_Fuck you Tegan._

"Have you heard from your sister?" A voice behind her raised her from her thoughts. Stacy was there in the doorframe.  
"No." She says, her voice sounded sad and tense. She knew that things were going to be hard.  
"She knows I'm coming with you?" She asked. She knew that Tegan had issues with her, and she didn't want to appear just in front of her, unannounced.  
"Yeah, I asked Kate to call her." Sara said. She, more than Stacy, didn't want her to appear in front of Tegan, unannounced. And in some way, she hoped that Tegan would blow off steam before the departure. She knew she was fooling herself... again.  
"Great, are you ready?" Stacy asked, looking at the perfect stored things in Sara's suitcases.  
"Yeah, I think I am." She said, but she was far from being ready.

She was never been so far from a thing. She was not prepared to see her sister face again. She knew she had hurt her when she kicked her off from her house. She had seen the anger and the pain in Tegan's eyes. _But what else she could do?_ They were dangerously close again. She was touching her again. She was about to lose control again. And that was the time Stacy had stepped into the room. She saved her again, she loved her so much in that moment. She hated her like never before in that moment.  
Then she asked Stacy to go with her. This was the first tour with Tegan since the kiss. Since Tegan change. And she felt so bad and guilty because she knew she was taking Stacy with her because she was the wall she could hide behind from Tegan. Stacy could never be the break of her feelings, but she was the only thing she could put between herself and her sister. The thought of that made her sick to her stomach. _How can I be such a fucking disgusting person? She deserves something better._ She said, looking at Stacy.  
She reached Stacy near the door, and she kissed her. That kiss put an incredible weight on her heart, and she thought she was going to lose another couple of inches of hers already limited height.  
_One day someone will put me into a garden, near Snow White. The sick dwarf._ She felt surprised by herself, she didn't know she was able to made such thoughts. _At least, I could still banter on stage.  
_She tried a little smile.

"Are you ok Sara?" Stacy asked, looking in her pained eyes.  
"Yes." Sara said. _No, nothing it's ok anymore._ She thought.

Tegan and Lindsey were the first to reach the bus. That was strange, usually there was always one or two of the boys there when they arrive. That was a good thing, she could choose her own bunk. She took one on the back of the bus, and Lindsey took the one under hers. They set their things on the bus.

"Do you wonna come for a walk?" Lindsey asked.

They don't really need to stay there. They had an in store performance in Sara's town. They met there just to set things, but there was at least a couple of hours before they had to go to the store.  
But she didn't want to go out. She wanted some time for herself to think. Some time to prepare herself to face Sara.

"No thanks, I have headache. I could use a little rest." She said, she just wanted to be alone for a little time.  
"See you soon." Lindsey said, just a moment before lean in to kiss Tegan. Tegan felt so guilty to taste her lips while she had her sister in her mind.  
She said nothing, and Lindsey went away, giving her a quick gaze before close the door behind her.

Now she was alone in her bunk. _Finally._ The last days were.., complicated and mind twisting. She was so mad at her sister. Sara knew how she felt, and Tegan knew to be the only one whom Sara could rely on. And it wasn't easy. Lately she started to feel those strange feelings toward her sister, and she wasn't prepared to that. _Who could be prepared to feel like that?_ And at the same time, she had seen her sister go away. After that kiss. _Jesus... did it really happen?_ They were both scared, but there was nothing they could do to fight that feeling and the guilty and the fear that came with it. It was something new and unexpected for Tegan, and she was trying to deal with it. Not really successful. Every time she looked into her sister's eyes, something deep inside of her ached. For the fear, and the desire to taste her lips again. _Oh just shut the fuck up Tegan._ But that was wrong.  
After Sara and Stacy had left her city, she felt relieved. No more temptation. Even if the ride toward the airport was something so overwhelming, those words, like a promise, like a threat. And then they were gone, and she felt safe. She thought that everything was going away. She felt so good every time she touched her girlfriend, every time she made love with Lindsey. She felt normal again. In those few month she talked a little less with her sister. She felt so good with Lindsey that she simply thought less about her sister. Was it true? Maybe she got so attached to Lindsey because she was scared, and not to listen Sara's voice made it easy not to think about her. But then, the calls began. The first time she heard her sister in tears, her heart broke. It was the saddest thing she ever experienced. She just wanted to go to her, yo take the first flight to Montreal and go to her. But that was not possible. She reassured her from the distance that separate them.  
But a couple of months later, they were together, again. The tour was coming, and there was no way to avoid her anymore. No way to pretend she didn't want to feel her by her side when she was there. They made it through a couple of day. Then there was that call in the middle of the night.  
When the name of her sister blinked on the screen, she knew what was going on. She was scared, but she couldn't ignore her sister even if she wanted to. She was her sister, and she loved her, and there was no way she couldn't leave her alone in a moment like that. She went to her sister trying not to think about her feelings. It was hard, but this wasn't about her, this was about Sara, and she would have been next to her no matter what. But when she was there, and her sister was lying on the bed asleep, all she wanted to do was to touch her. And the next morning, she almost kissed her again, and her sister held her breath, and she was scared, again. But she couldn't walk away. She wouldn't. And that need to touch her was killing her because that was so wrong. And when Stacy came, Sara just pushed her away. And she was so hurt and mad and relieved at the same time. And now the only thing she could think about was how the hell to handle all of that when she was about to live side by side with her sister for months. And with their girlfriends next to them. _I have my Linds with me...I love her... it will be ok.  
_She was thinking about that, the door opened. Tegan held her breath for a moment, and she sighed when she saw John. She rose up from the bunk to met him.

"Hi Tegan! How are you?" He asked with a warm smile on his face.  
"Heiiiiiiii... long time no seeeeeee... how are you? You looks great?" She said, trying her best to seem thrilled.  
"Yeah I know. And you... looks like you've been hit by a truck." He said, teasing her.  
"Oh thank you... how about... your face will hit by my punch?" She said, giving him a gummy smile.  
"Oh no no, I'll give up." She said, raising his hands in surrender. They both laughed and then shares a little hug.  
"Are you ready John?" She asked in a cheerful way.  
"I was born ready!" He laughed again. "And you? Have you brush up on your songs or are you going to screw up as usual?" He added mockingly.  
"I don't know, but I can say that you are going to be fired." She said laughing again. "Jesus... this is gonna be a long tour." She added, and they laughed together.  
"Have you seen Sara around here?" She asked, trying not to sound too serious.  
"Oh yeah, I think she's co-" His words were stopped by the noise of the door opening.  
"TaDaaaaa. Magic" He said, gesturing toward Sara, and laughed even more.

But he was the only one laughing there. It was like the tension had filled the room. He saw their expressions, and that was enough to make he suddenly feel the need to going out to eat even if it was just four in the afternoon. He reached the door and Sara, after a smile, gave him space to go. "Hi Stacy." They heard from the outside. A moment later the three of them were on the bus alone.

"Hi Sara." She said without enthusiasm. The sight of her sister was raising a lot of feelings. But the most intense in that moment was the anger.  
"Stacy, welcome on board." She said in a very harsh tone. "The two on the back, left side, are taken." She said turning around to go to the back.  
"Hey Tegan, wait." She heard her sister voice, and she froze for a moment.  
"What do you want?" She asked, without even turning to face her.  
"Can we just... talk?" She asked back, her voice was a little tense.

Tegan looked to her sister without saying a word, the she turned and reached for the back space of the bus. Sara looked for a moment at Stacy that gave her back an annoyed gaze. Sara went toward the door that her sister closed behind her just few seconds before.  
Tegan was sitting on the couch. Her hand massaging her temples. She looked exhausted.

"Are you ok?" Sara asked, taking few steps toward Tegan.  
"Yeah, wonderfully." Tegan voice was tired and bothered. Sara sat on the couch, near her twin.  
"Tegan..." She said, her sister didn't move. So she reached out her hand and took Tegan's, slowly moving it away from the temple. Only after that, her sister looked at her. Her eyes were a little shiny. It hurt Sara to see her sister like that.  
"Yeah? Talk." Tegan said annoyed, abruptly withdrawing her hand. Sara sadly looked for a moment at her now empty hand.  
"Tegan... I'm sorry... I didn't mean to hurt you." She said, suddenly shy with her words.  
"Yeah. Is that all?" Tegan said getting up from her seat.  
"No Tegan, wait." Sara said at her back. "Tegan... I need her..." In her voice there was a trace of shame. Tegan turned back to face her.  
"Great, keep her." Tegan could feel the rage and the delusion rising in her guts, and Sara felt that too. That switched something into Sara. She loved Tegan so much, but her feelings were complicated, and every time she had a problem to deal with her feelings, she had the angry outbursts. When she felt incapable of express her feeling, she turned them in something she known.  
"Fuck Tegan." She yelled, now and standing in front of Tegan. Their faces just inches distant. "What the fuck is your problem? You have some problem having Stacy here?" She asked roughly.  
"Is that your fucking problem? Why? Your girlfriend always tour with us, and I have never complained." She knew her words were pointless. Lindsey was never a problem, she liked her and she always enjoyed her company. But that there was the only words that came to her mind. And she knew that that would start a fire into Tegan. And that was what she wanted. It was easier to lash out at a person angry as she was. She could feel less shitty. Tegan face redden, Sara could see the pulsing veins on her neck.  
"What the fuck that it means? What the fuck Lindsey has to do with this? She's here because she works for us. She would be here even if she wasn't my girlfriend." She said in a low voice. Sara knew she was right. Lindsey wasn't a problem, but they both knew they couldn't talk about the real problem. Tegan turned her back, ready to leave.  
"Teg-" Sara began, but she was cut out by the intense look of her sister that was facing her again. Her eyes were red, but she didn't let the tears fall.  
"And at least, she isn't killing me." Tegan said, the words slipped through her clenched teeth. Sara was surprised, her sister words struck tu her guts. Her lips trembled trying to find something to say. But Tegan hadn't finished.  
"And you know what? I'm tired... I'm tired to be your lifesaver. I'm tired to collect you fucking pieces just to see you fall again, broke again." Now Tegan was crying, and Sara was crying too. She knew that been by her side was hard for Tegan, but all the pain in Tegan voice was like a blade into her chest.  
"Fuck Sara... it's killing me too." She took a pause, without broke eye contact. "I love you Sara but I can't take it anymore..." She said, always in a low pained voice. Then Tegan turned, her hand was on the doorknob when she stopped.  
"Do you need her? Ok, but you're on your own. You know it will happen again... and the next time, I won't be there." And with that words she left the room.

Sara's was completely froze. The weight of Tegan's words was mashing her. She didn't know she was drowning her sister into her own pain. And now, she was losing her. She knew that whatever way she would have chosen, she would have died.  
Tegan was almost out of the bus, where now there were Stacy, Ted and Lindsey, when she heard quick footsteps behind her, and a moment later, her sister hand was grabbing her wrist. She turned her head, her eyes locked into Sara's ones. With anger, she freed her wrist from her sister grip.

"Don't you dare touch me ever again." Tegan said to through her teeth.

Few steps from the bus, and Tegan was trying not to give in to the pain in her chest.  
On the bus... Sara's heart stopped for a long moment, then the sound of her breaking heart filled the room louder than any scream could never do.


	6. The picture in my head

**A/N**  
_I hope you'll like this._  
_And thanks to wildfores for her help :D_

**Chapter 6: The picture in my head**

Tegan took few more steps then started to run. She just wanted to put as much distance as possible between herself and the damn bus. But it wasn't easy. The weight and the pain in her chest were killing her. She didn't get that far. A hand reached her shoulder, and she meet with Ted eyes.

"What... what going on, Tegan?" he asked in concern.  
"Mind your own fucking business, Ted," she said, there was anger in her voice, like she was about to explode. Ted eye widened, she never talked to him like that.  
"Tegan..." he said, the words died in his mouth.  
"I... I'm sorry. Just... leave me alone... please," she said. She didn't want to hurt Ted but she needed her space right now.

She just turned around and started to walk away. Her mind was running, and she was already regretting the words she had said to Sara. She was angry and tired, and Sara... she had pulled out Lindsey, and just the sound of her name escaping Sara's lips had made her mad. And those words Tegan had said, there was a grain of truth in them, she knew that. But maybe it was too much. _Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck._ She felt guilty because of her words, and even more guilty for the sense of relief she felt saying them, upon everything she felt guilty for the face Sara's made. For a single moment she was almost delighted about the reaction she had triggered in her sister. Just for a moment, but that was enough to made her feel like a shit, and hate herself.

She walked and entered a bar not so far away from the bus. She reached the bar counter and sat there, just willing to kill all the thoughts and the feelings she had in her mind.

"A scotch please," she asked the bartender. He looked at her with a surprised look. She looked back insistently.  
"It not even three ma'am," the bartender said cautiously still looking at her. She made a little grin looking at a watch she didn't had.  
"Three? Great... double then," she said, her tone brooked no argument.

A moment later her drink was in front of her. She didn't even liked the smell of that thing. It was something that Sara usually drank, not her. _Why am I drinking this shit?_ She asked herself before take a little sip. The liquor burned her throat, and then her chest, before placing a comfortable sense of warmth into her guts. Ten minutes later her glass was empty, and her mind was a little lighter. She looked at the bartender and patted with her index finger on the counter, near her glass. A minute later her glass was full again, but the bartender was looking at her with a concerned look.  
"I'm ok," she said, didn't knowing even why. He was a stranger. _Why can't everyone just leave me alone?_

The second glass lasted a little longer. Her mind was a little numbed but her thoughts were still with her. But now she wasn't able to stop them. They were running in her mind, and she couldn't control them. Suddenly, she was thinking about the first time she had felt strange around Sara, and the day she had kissed her. _What I was thinking?_ She thought again. Since then, all changed. It wasn't easy to be around her sister. Not always. But sometimes it was like she felt the need to touch her. And she knew that wasn't right. _Jesus Christ... I... I don't know._ She felt very confused. The only thing she knew was she wanted her Sara to be happy, and now she was hurting her instead. After another half an hour, her second drink was gone. And she was ready to go back. In an hour they needed to go for sound check and to set the last things. When she stood up from her seat, for a second she lost her balance, and her head ached. _Fuck, I shouldn't have drank._ Maybe it was just because she sipped the first drink too fast, but she was a little dizzy.

Stacy and Lindsey were looking at Sara in shock as Ted was gone to reach Tegan. She was pale, and she wasn't breathing. She looked like a dead body.

"Sara...?" Lindsey said as Stacy was slowly reaching Sara.

After a few more seconds, Sara started to breathe again. Her breath was erratic. When Stacy touched her, she was brought to reality again. She withdrew from her touch with violence. Without saying a word, Sara rushed into the bathroom.

The mirror gave her the reflection of a broken human being. It was as life was sucked out of her, her eyes were lifeless as her heart. She didn't have a heart any more. She opened the cabinet near the mirror, and reached out for her puffer. She looked at it than placed it on her lips, and took a deep breath, as the simple act could give her her life back again. After a minute she was breathing almost normally. She washed her face, and looked again at her reflection. She couldn't help herself but see her sister in that reflection. She clenched her teeth, tighten her jaw. After a few seconds she spat in the mirror. _Fuck you._

Stacy was alone when Sara came out from the bathroom.  
"Where's Lindsey?" Sara asked to Stacy with a neutral tone.  
"She's looking for Tegan, I guess," she said to Sara. There was something in her tone that irritated Sara.  
"She better keep her out of my sight," she said with anger.  
"Sara, what happened?" Stacy asked, reaching her.  
"Nothing. It's just her... been a selfish bitch as usual," she said, and she saw the shock in Stacy eyes. It was the first time Stacy heard Sara talking about her sister like that. And in a way, Stacy was delighted about that.  
She took Sara's hand, and lead the way to the back of the bus. They sat one next to the other.  
"I'm sorry," Stacy said, looking at Sara, but Sara knew she wasn't. Lately Stacy started barely to bear Tegan's presence. Sara took a moment to look at Stacy. Sara thought she was beautiful, really beautiful. She reached out a hand and touched her face. She felt so confused and angry. Angry with Tegan, angry with herself, even angry with Stacy.

"I know you're not," she said with a smirk. Stacy expression cracked for a moment.  
"Sara I..." she was trying to say something, but Sara cut her off.  
"That's ok." Sara said, caressing Stacy's hair.

Sara leaned back against the couch, and Stacy imitated her, closing her eyes. Sara looked at her for few minutes. Then she put a hand on Stacy cheeck. Stacy opened her eyes and smiled to Sara. Her smile was sweet, something that Sara hadn't seen in a long time, but it lasted only a second. Sara slowly slipped her hand to the back of Stacy's neck, pulling her closer. Their lips met, but Sara felt nothing. _Fuck_. Anger was rising into her chest, and with anger she kissed Stacy. There was nothing sweet in that kiss and Stacy was kissing her back putting her own personal anger in the kiss, and suddenly they were moaning and their hands were exploring one another. Soon Sara's t-shit was on the floor, Sara's hands were squeezing Stacy breasts through her dress. Their were touching roughly and desperately, taking pleasure and pain. They weren't making love, they were having emotionless sex.

When Lindsey finally found Tegan, less than half an hour left before the sound check. The bus was just few minutes away.

"Tegan... Jesus, I was looking for you," she said, leaning a hand on Tegan's arm.  
"Well... I'm here now," Lindsey could smell the alcohol in Tegan's breath even at that distance.  
"Are... are you drunk?" she asked worried and angry at the same time.  
"I'm perfectly ok, why people just can't leave me alone?" she asked annoyed, starting to go back to the bus. Lindsey was beside her.  
"Because I love you, and I'm concerned and... you keep not talking to me," she said, grabbing Tegan's arm and forcing her to stop and look at her.  
"Why don't you talk to me? What happened?" she asked, looking straight into Tegan's eyes. Tegan felt the weight into her chest again.  
"You want the truth? I'm so tired of her shit. I'm so tired to be there for her just to see her broken again. If it's that what she wanted, ok. It's none of my business. I don't care any more," she said, and she knew she was saying a half truth.  
"We both know this isn't true. She's your sister, and you love her too much to leave her," Lindsey words hit Tegan. That was another part of the truth. And the things she saw in Lindsey's eyes, made her almost cry.  
"You don't even know what you're talking about." Tegan said, resuming her path toward the bus and trying to fight back tears.  
"I know too well," Lindsey whispered. She was walking few steps behind Tegan, but her words reached Tegan's ears anyway. Her heart skipped a beat, but she didn't turn or slowed her walk.

After few minutes they were at the bus. Tegan just wanted to sat on the couch for few minutes to rest, hoping that the effects of the alcohol would fade away.  
But when she opened the door, she heard noises from the back of the bus. She took a few steps, the door was open, and then she saw them. They were kissing and touching, it was like watching an act of violence if wasn't for the intense cry of pleasure escaping the both of them. Sara's hand was deep under Stacy skirt, the other hand was on her back. Stacy was touching Sara's bare chest with one hand, and the other was into Sara's hair. Stacy pulled Sara's head back, and in the moment Stacy bite hard on Sara's neck, Tegan heard a voice behind her, almost inaudible beneath Sara's cry.

"Tegan, what..." Lindsey froze near Tegan for a moment, then she turned quickly.  
"Oh God I'm so sorry," she said, and only in that moment the two girls acknowledge the presence of Tegan and Lindsey. Sara looked at Tegan, but stopped her movement between Stacy's legs only few second later. Stacy retracted from Sara, her face was red, not only for what she was doing.  
"What the fuck are you looking at?" Sara said abruptly, her voice was low, and her eyes still into Tegan ones, trying to hide the shame behind anger. After a couple of second Tegan stormed out of the bus trying to fight the sense of nausea.  
"I'm so sorry," Lindsey said again before leave the bus.  
Stacy and Sara looked at each other for a moment. Stacy give Sara a smirk and Sara tried to smile but her smile faded away almost instantly. _I've lost her, I've lost Tegan._

Tegan found the guys near the store where they were supposed to play a bunch of songs. _At least we don't have a fucking show tonight, I can do this._ She was trying to fight all the hurting thoughts she had in her mind. And most of all, she was trying to erase the image of her sister with her hand between Stacy's legs. It was shocking to see Sara like that. She was angry but at the same time she couldn't help herself but to think about how beautiful she was, with her eyes closed, and her neck pulled back with all veins and nerves, she was beautiful and that made her even angrier. _Jesus I'm going crazy_. But then she thought about Sara's look, that look hurt her the most. Sara was looking at her while her hand was still moving. Her eyes were... she didn't even know how to describe them. They were full of anger, and she felt hated. She felt like Sara was punishing her. That look hurt her most than everything else, and pissed her off also. _She really hates me. Shit._

"Tegan, are you ok?" the voice of Lindsey came from behind her.  
"Yeah, I'm fine" she tried her best to sound neutral.  
"That was... fuck, that was embarrassing. I don't know if I can look at them in the eyes again."  
Lindsey chuckled anxiously. She knew that Tegan was pissed off and upset and sad, and she knew that she couldn't do anything about that.  
"That was disgusting," Tegan said without looking at her, "and she better move her sluttish ass, it's almost time," and in that moment Lindsey knew she was cutting the conversation.

Sara showed up when they were ready for sound check. Stacy was walking behind her. When they met the band, they talked with them like nothing had happened. When Lindsey joined them, Stacy looked at her for a moment, giving her a little smile as assuring her that all was ok.  
Someone called them for the sound check, and they found Tegan there, ready for what they had to do. The sound check was quick, just to adjust some stuff for the little acoustic session. Tegan never looked at her sister the whole little period. And soon they had done. They had a little time before the performance. Sara headed to the bathroom and Tegan followed her after a couple of minutes.  
Tegan was waiting for her sister, leaned to one of the sinks. She put on her best neutral face when her sister came out from the cabinet.

"You didn't even change," Tegan said to Sara, looking at her straight in the eyes.  
"I think it's none of your business, Tegan," she said to her, reaching the sink next to Tegan. Tegan turned to face the mirror while Sara opened the faucet.  
"You smell like a slut," Tegan said abruptly, unable to hide her anger and her disgust. She was looking at Sara's reflection in the mirror. And they eyes met there for a moment.  
"What the fuck is that suppose to mean, Tegan?" Sara said without even try to hide her own anger. She was looking directly at Tegan, who was still looking at the mirror. But she turned her head to face her before talk again.  
"Like I said." Tegan said locking their eyes.  
"Are you fucking drunk, Tegan?" she smelled the alcohol in Tegan's sister breath.  
"It's none of your business," she mocked her, "and why the fuck are you repeating my name? No one else is here, and I know my fucking name, and I know your are talking to me," Tegan said. Sara knew that that kind of things made her nervous. And when Tegan saw the smirk on Sara's face, she knew she had fell into Sara's little trap. That was what she wanted, make her nervous.  
"Fuck you Sara!" she said, turning to go away. But a moment later she turned again. "You should cover that," Tegan said, pointing Sara's neck. Sara looked in the mirror for a moment.  
"Why? It's nothing to be ashamed of," she replied calmly, and grinning at her own reflection.  
"You're disgusting," Tegan said to her sister, turning to go away.  
"I guess you have sex with your girlfriend too," Sara replied, there was anger in her voice. Tegan froze for a moment.  
"Yeah, the next time maybe close the doors," she said trying to fake a neutral tone, like she didn't care, but Sara felt sadness and disappointment.  
"At least I would not fuck all up because I go drunk on stage," Sara said, out of other arguments. Then she laughed. "A slut and a fucking drunkard... It could be a great idea for a fucking publicity campaign. Don't you think, Tegan?" She marked the name of her sister just to irritate Tegan as she pushed pass her.

Tegan went back to the sink. _It's going to be like this forever, is it? I can't._ She thought, holding herself to the sink by her hands. She opened the water, standing where just a minute ago was standing her sister. She washed her face, and sipped a little, and then spat the water in the sink. She did it a couple of time, and the taste of alcohol went away.

A couple of minutes later Lindsey stepped in the bathroom. Tegan closed the water and turned to face her.  
"Are you ok?" she asked. And it seems like that was the millionth time she was asking that to Tegan. But Tegan didn't have the strength to argue with her. And she didn't want to do that. She sighed.  
"Please, talk to me Tegan," she was almost pleading, and Tegan felt terribly guilty. She looked at her, her little figure, her weak smile. Lindsey was there for her, she was always been, and now she was pushing her away. But how could she possibly talk to her about what she's going through, when she herself wasn't sure, when she was avoiding things?  
"I'm... I'm ok Lindsey," she looked somewhere else, "I'm just tired. I'm tired of her, I'm tired of her behavior She's driving me crazy," she looked back at Lindsey again. She looked a little frustrated. Tegan tried a little smile and Lindsey smiled back weakly.  
"We better go," Tegan said walking toward her, and she placed a sweet little kiss on Lindsey's lips. Lindsey smiled at her when Tegan took her by the hand. They walked together toward the rest of the band.  
"Where's Sara?" Tegan asked. Less than ten minutes remained before they needed to show up.  
"She went to the bus few minutes ago. She said she forgot something," Stacy said.  
"Great," Tegan moved as she wanted to go to the bus too. But Lindsey reached her hand, and when she looked at her, she shook her head no. Tegan looked at her for a moment then she nodded.

Sara was on the bus, looking at her reflection in the mirror after had cleaned it. _What the hell I'm doing? I'm such an asshole._ She said to herself. But the truth was that every time she looked at her sister, the words she had said, echoed inside her mind, shocking her heart, hurting her. How could she go on if every time she looked at her sister face she felt her heart broke again? And the only thing she was able to do, was to hurt her back. She felt so angry. _Fuck You._

Sara came back few minutes later, just when someone called them to show up on stage.  
Sara looked at Tegan, who was sat with Lindsey on her lap. When Tegan saw Sara, a little sigh of relief came out from her mouth. She hadn't thought about that really, but a little part of her was scared that her sister could have done something stupid, and would not show up. But she was there. They looked at each other as Tegan stood up at the sound of the voice calling them. Tegan's gaze slid slowly at Sara's neck. The mark there was only slight visible. No one could ever see it if they didn't know it was there, and searched for it. A little smile flashed on Tegan's lips. When she looked again in Sara's face, she saw a weak smile, a sad smile. Tegan's heart flinched and the smile faded. The smile on Sara's face died too.

They headed to the stage. There were two stools and they sat there, trying to smile at the people in front of them. There was a lot of people into the store and both of Tegan and Sara were anxious. This kind of things were more intimate than the normal show, and they knew that people expecting them to talk and share stories. Unfortunately, none of them was in the mood for that.

"Hum... hi guys... we are Tegan and Sara, but I think you know that," she said smiling at a couple of girls that was wearing Tegan and Sara T-Shirts. They smiled back.  
"Or maybe you are so unlucky that you stepped into the store to buy something, and you get stuck into the crowd. I'm so sorry for you guys. The good news is that this won't last years," Sara added, and people laughed at her words. Tegan looked at her and she couldn't help herself but smile. Her smile faded when her sister faced her, and she found sadness in her eyes. She didn't know how she could do that. Put on that cute and sweet mask while her eyes were telling another story. She looked away. She found Lindsey, she was down the stage on Sara's side. Lindsey wrinkled her nose in the most cute way, sending a warm sensation into her heart. She smiled at her, the first hearted smile she gave to anyone in the last days.

The first song they played was _I'm not your hero_. People loved that song, and Sara performed it perfectly. There was nothing she could do but to look at her sister as she was singing. She always looked at her in those moment. Her sister, with her closed eyes, so lost into the song. She was beautiful. And her heart ached. When the song was over, Tegan looked away in the moment her sister opened her eyes.  
They played another couple of new songs, and they took a little time to talk to people. Someone asked some question about their new music and random stuff. They managed to go through the questions without any problem but even without enthusiasm.

"Do you wonna hear some old stuff?" Tegan asked. And people nodded and cheered, and someone asked for particular songs. Someone shoot 'My number'.  
"Oh God, not that old. I mean... I remember half of the song at most," and people laughed.

She started to play The Con. Tegan was singing with her eyes closed, she was afraid to break down if she looked at her sister. But when the words "Encircle me" came out from her mouth, she opened her eyes looking at her sister. They eyes looked for a couple of seconds, her eyes burned and stung as tears were forming in her eyes. She arched her head back, closing her eyes again to hold them back. When the song was over, she looked at the people in front of her. They were amazed by the emotion she put into the song. They applauded long to her. She looked at Lindsey for a moment, and her heart ached at the sight of her weak smile, unable to hide the sadness in her eyes.

They played a few more songs, and then signed some autograph and took a couple of pictures. A cute little guy asked them to get closer to each other to take a picture. They looked at each other, and they didn't want to disappoint that little guy, it was there with his mother and sister, and the girl looked so shy. They both figured out that was her the one who really wanted the picture but she was too shy. Tegan looked at her and smiled.

"Do you want to take a picture with us?" Tegan asked to the girl. Her expression lighted up instantly. She looked over her mother who gave her a big smile. Tegan looked a moment at her sister, who gave her a little smile. The girl reached them, positioning herself in the middle. The girl was little and cute, probably around 13 years old. She put her arms around them. Tegan put her hand on the back of the little girl, and her heart jumped when she felt her sister hand touching hers.  
They took the picture with the girl and Sara brushed Tegan's hand with her thumb. Or at least, it seemed like that to Tegan. But when she looked at her she was going away.

Sara and Stacy were the first to get on the bus. A few minutes later the guys arrived and after a couple of minutes more, Lindsey and Tegan entered the bus holding their hands. Sara looked at them. She was sat on the couch in the main space of the bus with Stacy and John. They were about to watch a movie. The others were playing card on the table. The bus was taking the road heading to the next city.

"Do you want to see a movie with us?" John asked to the girls, looking at them with a smile.  
"Why not?!" Tegan said, smiling back at him. She looked at Stacy and then at Sara as her smile faded away.  
"Here." Sara said. She slid a hand on Stacy's back, and grabbed her by her waist to push her on her lap. Tegan took the place next to Sara, and Lindsey sat between Tegan and John.

John started the DVD. After few minutes Tegan felt Lindsey hand grabbing hers, interweaving their fingers. Tegan smiled and kissed Lindsey hand, then placed them on her own lap. As she did that, she felt Sara's leg move against hers. She turned her head for a moment and saw Sara with her chin on Stacy's shoulder. She was embracing her from behind. Sara turned her head for a moment, looking Tegan directly into her eyes. Tegan tried a little smile, but her sister just turned her head away again. When they were more or less at the half of the movie, Tegan felt her sister leg again. After a few seconds she felt something rubbing her leg. She looked down and she see her sister hand. Sara was rubbing her own leg, her pinky touching Tegan. The simple contact made her shiver. Her heart jumped into her chest. She stood up.

"I think I'll go to bed." She said, freeing Lindsey hand, whom had fell asleep.  
"Don't you want to eat something?" Sara asked at her. Tegan found again sadness into her eyes and that hurt her. She was confused, she regretted the things she said at her sister. She hated herself because she knew she had hurt her. And that sadness in Sara's eyes was there to remind her the things she said. And with the sadness, came the anger. Even if she tried, the images of her sister touching Stacy were in her mind every time she looked at Sara. She felt so tired and confused and the only thing she wanted was to leave the day behind.  
"Thanks, I'm just tired, I need to rest," she said looking away.

She turned and headed to the bathroom to brush her teeth. When she came out, her sister was in front of her. They looked at each other for few seconds.  
"Tegan..." Sara started, but Tegan cut her of.  
"Don't," she said. Nothing more. When she passed her, Sara's touched Tegan arm with her hand, trying to stop her. Tegan turned her head to watch Sara's hand still on her arm. Sara's look followed Tegan's one. _Don't you dare touch me ever again._ The words echoed in both of their minds, hurting the both of them again. Sara withdrew her hand as if she had burned. Her look was into Tegan's eyes again.  
"I..." Sara was trying to say something but the words died into her throat. She looked at her feet then she turned to go away.  
"Sara..." she turned again to face her sister, Tegan looked at her for a moment, then she looked down.  
"Good night." Tegan said, looking at Sara again. For a moment Tegan saw a sparkle of life again into those sad eyes.  
"Good night," she said trying a smile as she turned to go away.


	7. The same thing

**A/N**

_Always thank to wildfores :)_  
_I hope you like this chapter. It's a little too long maybe, I thought to split it in two but I think it's better to take the thing together._

**Chapter 7: The same thing**

Tegan lay in her bunk unable to fall asleep. She passed the night listening to the sounds around her. Listening to Sara. That was one of the things that kept her awake. Her sister was in the farthest bunk in the bus, but she heard her moan and cry. She knew her sister was having nightmares. At some point Sara woke up panting, and Tegan wanted to go to her but she didn't. She waited until she could hear her sister fall asleep again, and then she went to her bunk. She pulled the curtains slowly, trying not to make a sound. Her sister was lying here, covered in sweat, soft moans escaping her lips. The sight made Tegan's heart skip, something that lately had been happening quite often. She moved her hand into the bunk, wiping the sweat from Sara's forehead, also moving her damp hair off of her face. She couldn't tell if her sister had a fever or something, she didn't seemed hot. Maybe they were just the bad dreams. She looked at her for a minute before pulling back the curtains again, and went back to her bunk. When she was into her bunk again, a soft voice came from below.

"How is she?" Lindsey concerned voice reached her. Tegan leaned out to look at her.  
"I don't know," Tegan responded honestly, looking at her. They looked at each other for few seconds.  
"May I?" Tegan asked, there was no need to say anything else. Lindsey smiled to her, and she crouched against the wall to give space to Tegan.

Tegan lay next to her girlfriend. After a couple of minutes, she felt Lindsey's lips on her neck. Tegan turned to meet her eyes and Lindsey gave her a sweet kiss on her lips. They looked at each other for a moment, Lindsey's gaze slipped to Tegan lips before kiss her again. Her kiss was more passionate this time, and soon her hands were on Tegan's body. Tegan pushed Lindsey away, gently, trying not to upset her too much.

"What?" Lindsey asked, she was sad again, and Tegan blamed herself once more.  
"Nothing, it's just... I'm not in the mood, and someone could hear us," she said. She really wanted to make Lindsey happy, but it wasn't the right night. Her mind was on her sister. Lindsey tried a little smile.  
"May I cuddle you?" Tegan asked, suddenly feeling awkward to ask that to the girl she rejected just a moment ago.  
"I would love it," Lindsey said, turning herself.

Tegan put her arm around Lindsey's waist, pulling her to embrace her tighter. She found comfortable the warm sensation of Lindsey body into her arms. She breathed deeply to catch her scent. Before falling asleep, she felt Lindsey body tremble, fighting to suffocate her sobs. Lindsey was so sweet, one of the sweetest girl she had ever met, and Tegan knew she was hurting her.

"I love you..." Lindsey said, almost whispering.  
"I love you too," Tegan replied after a moment, kissing Lindsey's nape.

Sara woke up after only four hours of sleep. They were still on the road. She looked at her cellphone to see the time. She felt tired much as she did the night before, her night was rough, her mind filled with thoughts that Orpheus plasmid into nightmares as soon he had embraced Sara. She didn't remember a things about those nightmares, but she remember that at some point, in the night, she woke up suddenly, sweat all over her body and her lungs fighting to catch air. For a moment she thought she might need her puffer, but in a matter of seconds, she caught her breath again. She was so exhausted that in a couples of minutes she was asleep again. But her sleep was restless. And now she felt tired and sick. She went to the bathroom to refresh her face, and then she went to the refrigerator to have a glass of water. She felt better almost instantly. It was still dark outside and there was at least another hour drive. She went back to the bathroom with a clean shirt, and changed it because the one she was sleeping with was too damp. When she was on her way back to her bunk, she saw that the curtains of Tegan's one were open. She went there and saw that the bunk was empty, she looked down and she saw her sister in Lindsey's bunk. The curtains weren't completely closed so she saw them. Her sister embracing Lindsey. She closed the curtains and went back to her own bunk to sleep a little more.

When Sara woke up again, it was ten in the morning. She stepped out of her bunk just to see that the other bunks were all empty. When she went to the kitchen she saw that Tegan was the only one on the bus. Tegan raised her head to meet her look. Sara smiled weakly then she turned to go to the bathroom.  
Tegan filled a mug with coffee for her sister. When Sara came out from the bathroom, she sat at the table, across from Tegan and Tegan handed her the mug. Sara smiled at her, taking the mug and bringing it to her lips, taking a little sip.

"Thank you," she said to Tegan, looking at her whilst taking another little sip of coffee.  
"You're welcome," Tegan said.  
"How are you?" Tegan asked to Sara after a couple of minutes of silence.  
"I'm fine, I had a problem sleeping," she said to Tegan.  
"Yes I know," Tegan said absentmindedly. Sara gave her a questioning look.  
"I... I heard you last night. You were moaning in your sleep so I checked on you," Tegan said looking at Sara only for a moment. There was a long silence.  
"Where are the others?" Sara asked awkwardly.  
"The guys are hanging out. Lindsey and Stacy went out for breakfast, they're gonna bring back something to eat. They'll be back soon I guess," Tegan said, looking at her.  
"And you? Why are you still here?" Sara asked without thinking, and she regretted it, "I mean... I don't mind."  
"I thought you were sick and I didn't want to leave you alone," Tegan said seriously, looking Sara straight into her eyes. Sara blushed at the intensity of her gaze. She smiled, but her smile faded away soon, when her sister didn't smiled back.  
"I'm ok, you don't need to stay here if you don't want to," Sara said in a firmest tone.

Tegan gave her an emotionless look. Her blood was starting to boil in her veins. Sara could see that, and she didn't piss off her sister intentionally, but her feelings were swinging as her mood. On one hand she wanted to make up with her sister, but on the other she couldn't help but still feel hurt.  
Tegan went to take something from her suitcase, and then she went to the bathroom. She brushed her teeth and washed her face. Staring at the mirror, she saw her sister's sad eyes looking back at her. She hated that, sharing similar features with someone. They were not that identical, but in time like this, it was easy for her mind to play tricks on her. She turned around and wore the clothes she casually picked up. A pair of black skinny jeans and a simple over-sized t-shirt. She went out from the bathroom in the same moment Stacy and Lindsey came back into the bus.  
Tegan smiled at Lindsey and went toward her to place a little kiss on her lips. Lindsey smiled back, and Tegan saw her sister shift uncomfortably on the chair. She looked at Sara for one moment than she looked again at Lindsey.

"Do you wonna go for a walk?" she asked at Lindsey, smiling at her.  
"Sure," she answered, taking Tegan by the hand and leading the way out.  
"See you later, guys," Tegan said, locking her eyes with Sara, whom responded with a nod.

As soon as Lindsey and Tegan were out of the bus, Stacy sat near Sara. She looked at her with bit of concern.

"Are you ok?" she asked Sara, touching her forehead to move away a strand of hair, "You look tired," she added.  
"Yeah I'm fine, I didn't sleep very well," Sara said, looking at Stacy whilst took another sip from her mug.  
"Eat something, you'll feel better," she said, opening the box she had placed on the table. Sara smiled at the sight of the donuts into the box. She took one with pink frosting.  
"Thank you babe..." she said, leaning in and kissing quickly Stacy with her mouth still full of food.  
"Gross!" Stacy said jokingly, then she licked her own lips. "You're so sweet," she said and they both laughed.

Tegan and Lindsey went to a little playground a few blocks away from the bus. They held hands along the way but they didn't talk. They sat on a bench and Lindsey leaned her head on Tegan's shoulder. Tegan kissed the top of her head.

"How are you?" Lindsey asked to Tegan.  
"I'm fine," she answered, but her voice was tired. Lindsey raised her head to look at her.  
"Why you keep saying that?" she asked, and Tegan turned to face her. "I know you're not fine."  
"Then don't ask if you don't like the answer," Tegan said a little annoyed. Lindsey looked at her hurt and pissed.  
"Whatever," she said standing up. Tegan took Lindsey by her wrist, pulling her on her lap.  
"I'm sorry," Tegan said, giving a small kiss on the cheek to her girlfriend.  
"I would really like you to talk to me," Lindsey said to her, looking intently into her eyes, "You are so distant Tegan, and I feel so useless and hopeless," she continued, her eyes watering.  
"I'm losing you," Lindsey added, she didn't intend it like a question, even if sounded that way.

Tegan felt her heart fall. She was hurting one of sweetest girls she had ever met. With her stupid thoughts and incomprehensible feelings toward her sister, she was fucking up her relationship. The one she worked so hard to obtain.

"No babe, I'm here, I'm not going anywhere," Tegan said, and she asked herself if it was true.

She really wanted that words to be true, but if her sister... if her sister would accept her feelings, what she would do? But she was fucking up her relationship with her sister too. And now they were just hitting each other. That trail of thought brought her to the scene she saw the day before, her sister with Stacy. Her guts clinched.

"I hope it's true, I don't want to lose you, I love you," the sound of Lindsey voice tore Tegan from her thoughts.  
"I'm just a little stressed," Tegan said trying to smile.

After a moment Lindsey leaned in. Their lips met, and Tegan smiled into the kiss. She felt Lindsey tongue brushing slightly on her bottom lips. She opened her mouth and they tongues met. Tegan loved the feel of Lindsey's soft and warm tongue massaging hers.

"Maybe I could help you with that," Lindsey said with a grin.  
"We could talk about this tonight," Tegan said with a grin on her face.  
"With all the time we have... you want to talk TONIGHT? I hate your timing babe, " she said pouting.

They both laughed thinking that they had to spend the night into an hotel, and that they would had a little time to spend together, alone.

"May I ask you out for lunch?" Tegan said jokingly to Lindsey.  
"I'd love to," Lindsey answered.

They stood up from their seat and walked away. Lindsey felt better. She didn't get a word out of Tegan about what was bothering her that much, even if she had an idea about the subject. But she was just happy because that was the first time in days that she felt Tegan's sweetness again. She had missed her so much and even if it was a little gesture, it was a start.  
Tegan was happy to see her Lindsey smiling again, a real smile, from the depths of her heart. She hadn't noticed, until then, that so much time had passed since the last time she had saw that kind of smile on Lindsey face. She blamed herself for that. Lately, there were a lot of things she blamed herself about.

Sara sipped her coffee slowly, enjoying the taste and the warmth of the dark liquid. She turned on the TV and sat near Stacy on the couch. They didn't talk, and Sara barely looked at her. Her mind was on Tegan. She really wanted to fix things up, but every time she managed to piss her off instead. She didn't know if she did it on purpose or not. But if she did, she didn't know why. There was nothing she wanted more that to be close to her sister again, but on the other hand she was scared about that. She was scared she would lose control if she got too close. She was scared about her feelings and about Tegan's feelings. The whole situation was driving her crazy. But she had her Stacy with her, the dam that held her feelings from spilling and destroying everything.  
Sara turn to face the girl. She smiled sweetly at her, and she felt very grateful to have her by her side right now. At the bottom of her heart she knew that she was only a distraction from her true feelings, but as long as Stacy was there, she could pretend she loved her like she did at the beginning of their relationship. Even if she knew she didn't ever have her whole heart, she loved her very much. She still loved her but things had changed that damn night, the night Tegan kissed her, the night she lost her war with her attempt to avoid her feelings. Years of fighting and her sister's lips defeated her, with one shot.  
She looked at Stacy intently, she needed her right now to erase her sister from her mind. Stacy smiled at her as her cheeks turned pink under Sara's gaze. Even if they have been together for more then an year and a half, sometime Stacy felt shy under Sara's intense look.  
Sara put her mug on the table, then took the one from Stacy's hand and did the same ting, always looking at her. Sara took one of Stacy's hand and pulled gently to help her to stand up. They stood together, Sara's hands on Stacy hips and Stacy's arms at her own sides. Stacy smiled putting her hands on Sara's shoulder, but her smile faded away when she saw the seriousness into Sara's eyes. They looked at each other for a long minute before Sara leaned in to kiss Stacy. The kiss started slowly, but then Sara started to kiss Stacy hungrily and almost angrily. Stacy knew that in that moment Sara was kissing her not to show her some kind of affection but for something else.  
Sara felt the need to touch Stacy, to kiss her, to let Stacy erase images and thoughts about Tegan. That thought made her sick to her stomach for a second, but then she decided to just drown herself into Stacy. She kissed Stacy hard, and Stacy moaned into her mouth. The two moved toward the bunks and Sara laid Stacy down slowly into her bunks, and then topped her. It wasn't a comfortable position, she was bended and her shoulder and the back of her head touching the roof of the bunk. Sara started to move slowly on Stacy, that was completely dressed, but Sara was still wearing her pajama, and the friction she gain through the tiny fabric turned her on. She lowered her head and her lips met Sacy's ones once again, she kissed her passionately. Stacy's hands went to Sara's hair, pulling her even closer. Sara was stroking Stacy's sides till with one movement she moved the shirt up, dragging Stacy's bra too. She didn't bothered to remove the clothes, as soon Stacy's chest was free, she attacked it with her mouth, leaving the two pieces of clothes just under Stacy's throat.

"Sara," Stacy moaned as Sara took her left nipple into her mouth, sucking it and teasing it with the tip of her tongue.  
Sara looked at her in the eyes whilst sliding her head to Stacy's right nipple to circle it with her tongue.  
"What if.." Stacy was trying to speak, but she stopped when she felt Sara's hand sliding down to unbutton her jeans.  
"What if someone come... if your sister come back?" she managed to say out of breath. Sara stopped her hands for a moment.  
"Can you please not talk about Tegan while we are fucking?" Sara said with an annoyed tone, but her hips were still moving against Stacy.  
"I'm sorry," Stacy said, sliding a hand to the back of Sara's head to pull her in for a deep kiss.  
"It's ok, it just... she's the last person I want to think about during sex," Sara said, and Stacy smiled into the kiss. Sara was talking mostly to herself, but now Tegan was the only thing she could think about. Sara closed her eyes and put her forehead on Stacy's shoulder, and a moment later she started to bite at Stacy's neck. She slid her hand again, slipping it into Stacy's pants. She circled her swollen button for a moment, teasingly. When she finally slowly slid two fingers into Stacy, Stacy raised her hips pressing hard into Sara. Sara unconsciously raised her head abruptly, and her cry of pleasure began one of pain when her head hit hard on the bunk above.

"FUCK!" She yelled as she lost her balance for a moment and she fell out of the bunk. They were on the bottom one so she didn't hurt herself falling.  
"Jesus Christ... are you ok," Stacy asked looking at her. They looked at each other for a moment and then they burst into laughter.  
"Shit, I almost cracked my head open," Sara said laughing whilst massaging her head.

Stacy reached out of the bunk buttoning her jeans, and put down her t-shirt, and then she helped Sara up from the floor. She took Sara in her arms for a moment, softly rubbing Sara's back as Sara was still massaging her head. Stacy gave a peck on her lips.

"Turn," Stacy said to Sara, freeing her from her embrace. Sara turned and hissed when Stacy's fingers touched her head.  
"I'm sorry," Stacy said apologetically.  
"It's ok," Sara said, and after a moment she asked "it's ok, right?"  
"Yeah, you will survive," Stacy said laughing, "maybe we should put something on your little, cute head," she add.

They went back to the main room, and Stacy took some ice as Sara sat on the couch. Stacy placed the ice into a towel and handed it to Sara that placed it on her head. After a few minutes Sara stood up from her seat.

"I'll take a shower... we can go for a walk and then eat something if you like," Sara said to Stacy.  
"Sounds good," she answered, smiling at her.

It was around three when Tegan and Lindsey came back. They went directly to the venue where they were supposed to met with the rest of the band for sound check and for refresh a couple of old songs. They had decided to revamp some old songs, different songs for every show to give something special to their fans.  
They went for the back door of the venue. When they were there, Lindsey gave a little kiss to Tegan.

"See you later," Lindsey said, smiling at Tegan.  
"Where are you going?" Tegan asked confused.  
"To hang out with your fans obviously," she said, smirking.

She always loved to do that. Sometimes only few people recognized her, sometimes more than just few. But they were always polite and gentle and she had the chance to talk with them. She found the fact that people asked her to take pictures funny. She was basically Tegan's girlfriend for the most of them, but people liked her and treated her very nicely, and fans always thought that she was a good person. No one ever asked personal question about her relationship with Tegan. They were just happy to have the chance to talk with somebody they knew was near the band, maybe just to feel the illusion to get a little closer. Sometimes she found someone who really appreciated her work as photographer and she took her time to talk with them about the subject. In any case, she always had a good time with fans.

Tegan entered the venue and went straight to the dresser room. Here she found the guys, and her sister with Stacy. She talked with the guys for a little before they went on stage for sound check and rehearsal. They picked up _I wake up exhausted _and _Downtown_, they had already talked and prepared the rearrangement so they took their time to made things good, without rushing it.  
When they finished, they went back to the dress room, and Tegan sat on the couch. Sara took a seat near the table, and took a bottle of water to drink. Stacy reached for her and put her hands on Sara's shoulder from behind. She spoke into Sara's ears so Tegan wasn't able to hear what she said, but a moment later Sara smiled and Stacy kissed softly on Sara's head. Sara winced then she playful elbowed Stacy's side.  
Tegan was surprised to find herself smiling. Seeing her sister smiling and laughing made her feel happy. And she was surprised to see that the two girls were so close. She didn't expect that. Tegan thought that their relationship wasn't good anymore, but the sight of her sister in that moment told her differently. Even if lately they start to fight often, it was nice to see them doing good together. And Tegan was happy for them even if something in Tegan's guts burned at the thought. Something deep inside of her was screaming, she felt a hint of jealousy forming and she felt so stupid and bad about that.  
In that moment she saw Stacy looking at her, her face was serious and she gave Tegan a look that Tegan wasn't able to decipher entirely. It was something like a mix of resentment, fear and anger. That look make her feel uncomfortable. Uncomfortable with Stacy, and with her own feelings.  
Stacy left Sara's side and went to the bathroom. Tegan followed her with her eyes, and when she closed the door, she looked back at her sister again. Sara stood up and went toward the couch. In the moment she sat, Tegan stood up and went to take a sip of water from the same bottle Sara used few minutes before. Sara sighed, abandoning her back on the backrest. When her head touched the backrest she hissed, and when Tegan looked at her, she was massaging her head.

"Are you ok?" Tegan asked, looking at her questioningly.  
"Yeah, I had a little accident this morning," Sara answered, now looking at her sister.  
"What happened?" Tegan said, and she saw her sister shift a little uncomfortable on the couch.  
"Nothing... I just... hit my head in the bunk," she said as her cheeks were turning slightly pink.

When she had left her with Stacy in the bus, Sara was perfectly fine, so her mind wondered for a moment at the various scenarios that could have lead her sister to hurt. But as soon as some images came up to her mind, she shook her head.

"Let me take a look," Tegan said looking at her sister as she was reaching her. She went to the back of the couch.  
"It's nothing," Sara said, trying to raise up from her seat. But in that moment she felt Tegan's hand touch her shoulder gently.  
"Please," Tegan said, and it sounded almost as a question. As she was sitting again, she felt Tegan thumb caressing her nape. She wasn't sure if Tegan did it on purpose or if was just a thing happened in the motion, but goosebumps raised on the back of her neck, there was no chance to avoid that, and no chance that Tegan wouldn't notice that. She felt embarrassed once more.

The guys were talking and having fun, so no one was paying attention to them, and no one saw Sara's face turn pink again when her sister touched her.

"Where?" Tegan asked to Sara, and Sara moved her hand touching a spot in the back of her head. When she removed her hand from her head, for a moment it brushed with Tegan ones. She felt so stupid and cursed herself for the effect that every little touch from her sister had on her. She was coursing herself because she knew she was craving for more.  
Sara felt her sister hand playing with her hair for a moment whilst she was searching for sign of injuries. Tegan touched her head so softly and gently that she didn't felt any pain.  
"Yeah there is a bump and a little excoriation, but you will survive," she said softly. Sara could feel the smile on Tegan face even if she couldn't see her. Tegan hands indulged for a moment in Sara's hair, loving the sensation of her hair slipping through her fingers. Sara felt relaxed under Tegan's touch.

In that moment the door opened and Lindsey entered the room.

Tegan turned her head at the sound of the door opening, and when her eyes met Lindsey's, she saw again that veil of sadness covering them for a moment as Lindsey's eyes went to Tegan's hands in Sara's eyes hair, before they went back to look at Tegan again. Tegan jerked away and in that motion she hit Sara's head making her scream. Lindsey looks turn worried when she heard Sara. Tegan turned again a saw Sara massaging her head.

"I'm so sorry Sara," she said rushing out the words. She put her hands on Sara's shoulders and bent a little, "I didn't meant to hurt you," she added.  
"She's ok," a voice came behind them said, and they all turned to look at Stacy. Even the boys were looking at them, drawn by the Sara's cry.  
"What happened to her?" Lindsey asked softly.  
"Nothing, I'm ok," Sara said, rising from her seat.  
"She had a little accident when we were... having fun," Stacy said, and when her words slipped from her mouth, she looked directly into Tegan's eyes. There was something into that look that bothered Tegan. There was tension in the room, and that was what Sara wanted to avoid.  
"C'mon, shut up," Sara jokingly said, poking Stacy with her hand in attempt to ease the tension in the room.

Discomfort was written all over Sara's face, and when her sister turned her head to face her, she couldn't help herself but feel a little ashamed, and her cheeks turned to slight pink again. Sara knew perfectly that there was bad blood between her sister and Stacy, but it didn't happen often to see them together in that kind of situation, and that scared Sara, made her nervous.  
Tegan just turned away to go to the bathroom without a word. Tegan looked at herself into the mirror, a sigh escaped her lips. She was a bundle of nerves due to Lindsey, due to Stacy, due to her sister. She was abandoning herself just touching her sister hair. She didn't ever really had the occasion to do such a thing before, and she felt nervous for a stupid thing like that. But she couldn't help herself, touching her sister gave her shivers. And a moment later, Lindsey eyes were there, looking at her, making her feel guilty and even dirty. And then Stacy, even if things seemed to go better between Sara and Stacy Stacy was always nervous and bitchy around Tegan, and that too made Tegan nervous. And few moment ago, with the four of them in the same room with her mind on her sister, it was too much. She didn't knew if she could have handled it much longer.

When she come out from the bathroom, Lindsey was talking with John in a corner whilst Sara and Stacy were talking with the other boys. Tegan went to Lindsey and they chatted a couple of minutes together till John left them alone. They talked a little but Tegan knew that Lindsey was stressed and tired and probably unhappy, and that wasn't helping with her sense of guilt.  
When they were called on stage, Tegan gave Lindsey a sweet kiss before following the others. The show went well even if they didn't banter at all. But the crowd was pleased with the music, and they had to admit, they sounded very good in despite of all the things that were happening.  
Tegan barely looked at her sister during the whole show, instead she tried to make eye contact with Lindsey that was under the stage taking photos, but it was like Lindsey was avoiding that, and the only time she was facing Tegan, was with a camera on her face.

Lindsey and Tegan went straight to the hotel after the show as the other went out for a drink. Sara asked them to go with them but Tegan wanted to spend some time with Lindsey alone, and she didn't want to stay in the presence of Stacy if it wasn't absolutely inevitable.  
They went to their room, and they didn't talk too much on the way. There was something like an awkward feeling between them. Tegan knew that Lindsey wasn't stupid, she was a really sensitive and sensible girl even if she looked a little tough sometimes, and that was one of the things that she always loved about her. But that also meant that it was easy for Lindsey to read Tegan's feelings. She probably wouldn't know the full truth, because it would be hard for Lindsey to read something that wasn't really out there, to read something that she couldn't really imagine, at least, that was what Tegan was saying to herself. Tegan was trying so hard to hide her feelings deep inside that every time they threatened to surface, she felt surprised and angry and guilty. But Lindsey surely sensed something and every time Tegan was met with her worried look, she felt even more guilty. Her own confusion was killing her. She couldn't deny there were feelings, not after she had kissed her sister. But she was trying not to lose Lindsey as well. Lindsey has always been good to her, she was caring and sweet, and sometimes when she was with her, she felt safe from herself, from her own feelings. But lately it became harder to be with her, because Lindsey looked more and more unhappy. Tegan thought was the time to make her feel happy again. She wasn't ready to lose her.

"Hei Linds, do you wonna watch a movie?" Tegan asked to her.  
"Sure," she answered, even if she sounded tired.

Tegan took the remote and turned on the TV as Lindsey took her laptop and her camera and sat with Tegan on the bed.

"I thought you would watch something with me," Tegan said as Lindsey crossed her legs and connected the camera to the laptop.  
"It will just take few minutes," Lindsey said without looking at Tegan.  
"Which means you could do it tomorrow," Tegan said, placing a hand on Lindsey knee.

Lindsey faced her for the first time since she entered the room. She could see that Tegan felt sorry, and she was almost pleading her, with her look. Lindsey smiled weakly at her.

"Ok," she said, her voice was softer than before.

She took her camera and laptop and put them on the table before going back to the bed. She sat near Tegan, their backs leaning against the headboard of the bed. Lindsey sat with her legs crossed, her hands on her lap. Tegan was surfing through channels to find something. At least she found something that seemed nice, and she stopped. After fifteen minutes she felt Lindsey shift next to her, she looked at her and she saw tiredness in her eyes. Tegan took Lindsey hand, interweaving their fingers. Lindsey looked at her smiling then she turned again to watch the screen. Less then ten minutes later, she felt Lindsey head leaning on her shoulder, her eyes were closed even if she was still gently stroking her thumb on her hand. Tegan had planned something different for the night, but she felt her heart skip a bit at the sweetness of Lindsey touch, and at the little smile Lindsey had on her face in her half asleep state. Tegan turned Lindsey's face with her free hand and gave a soft kiss on the lips, then on her nose. Lindsey opened her eyes smiling.

"Are you tired? Do you wonna sleep?" Tegan asked to Lindsey smiling.  
"Yeas, It's a good idea," Lindsey said as she stood up to go to the bathroom.

Tegan undressed herself to her underwear, and when she heard the faucet being opened into the bathroom she joined her girlfriend and they brushed their teeth together then went back to bed. As Tegan lay down on bed, Lindsey undressed and joined Tegan. Tegan reached the remote to shut off the TV.

"No, we could watch it a little more," Lindsey said, and she smiled at Tegan. Lindsey was really tired but she was enjoying the affection Tegan was giving to her, and this time Tegan was there with her body _**and**_ her mind. Lately Lindsey felt that Tegan was far away with her mind when they were together. But tonight she was there with her, completely, honestly, and that was something she really needed.  
"I've missed you," Lindsey said, and her honest and pained tone hit Tegan right into her guts. And now she wanted to fix her.  
"I'm sorry," Tegan said, helping Lindsey to lay down and guiding her head on her chest, then Tegan began to stroke gently her hair.  
"I love you, Tegan," Lindsey said, Tegan froze for a moment and she thought if Lindsey had heard her heart skipping a bit at her words. Lindsey shifted her head to face her and Tegan took her face into her hands and gently kissed her, without saying a word. The kiss was sweet, slow, and soon Lindsey broke it to look Tegan into her eyes.  
"Do you love me?" Lindsey asked, and she felt so embarrassed when the words escaped her lips. She went back to her original position, leaning her head on Tegan's chest.  
"I do..." Tegan said softly. _I do? Yes I do. Am I hers? Jesus, I'm not even mine...  
_A lonely tear fell from her right eye as Lindsey let a sigh slip out from her mouth. Few minutes later she felt Lindsey's steady breathe, and in that moment Tegan let herself succumb at her own misery and started to cry silently.

When Sara and Stacy came back from the night with the boys, they were both drunk. They both had problems with walking and talking properly, but they managed to reach the room. Before they opened the door, Stacy's pants were already at her knees, but they didn't care. When Sara slammed the door close, she heard a sound in the room, and when she turned she found Stacy on the floor, she was laughing massaging a elbow. Sara started to laugh with her, but after a minute, she reached for Stacy's pant ripping them off. Stacy grab Sara by her wrist, and made Sara fall on the top of her. A second later she abruptly took off Sara t-shirt and violently pulled at her bra. Sara reached Stacy T-shirt and did the same thing, and before she get the chance to reach Stacy's bra, she felt Stacy's hand on her chest. She was touching her angry, squeezing and scratching her. That made cry loud in pain and lust. She looked down at Stacy and put her hand on the back of Stacy's head pulling hard at her hair causing Stacy to arc her neck.

"Fuck," was all Stacy said before Sara started to bite at her neck. She bit hard, carelessly, breaking her skin and sucking and biting again. Stacy was moaning loud beneath Sara, and that turned Sara on even more. She made her way down to Stacy breasts, still biting and leaving marks. When she reached Stacy's bra, she took it with her teeth and let it go, then she took it with her hands and ripped it down, the straps snapping loose. She cupped Stacy's breasts and squeezed them angrily as a cry escaped Stacy. When Sara put her mouth on Stacy's nipple and started to suck and bite it hard, Stacy's moan became louder and louder and she arched her back as her core pressed into Sara's thigh. Stacy took Sara's face and brought it up, smashing their lips. Their tongue wrestled for dominance and finally Sara's tongue was so deep into Stacy's throat that for a moment Stacy thought she was choking. When Sara was about to broke the kiss, Stacy sucked hard on her tongue and then on her bottom lips. She bit Sara lips hard, and Sara cried as Stacy tasted blood into her mouth. When Sara looked at her, Stacy looked at Sara's lips and grinned at the sight of the blood. Sara took Stacy's hand and pinned them above her head on the floor. One hand was blocking Stacy's wrists on the floor as Sara put the other one on Stacy's chin, making her looking at her. She leaned down facing her, their face inch parted, they were both breathing heavily. Sara looked deep into Stacy's eyes, searching for something that she didn't find. She pushed down her thigh into Stacy center, and she moaned loud. Sara's hand left Stacy's face, and Stacy took the opportunity to lick Sara's chin, tasting her blood again. That started a fire into her chest and she started to move her hips into Sara's. Stacy groaned when Sara removed her thigh to straddle her. Few seconds later Sara's hand was in Stacy's underwear, cupping her. Sara pressed her palm against Stacy's swollen button, causing her to arch her back, then she entered her with three fingers. Stacy tensed for a moment, just a second, to get use to the sensation, then started riding Sara's hand. Sara was pumping hard into her, deeper with every thrust. When Stacy's walls started to clench she moved even faster to push Stacy over the edge. And Stacy came hard on her hand, crying out her name.  
Sara took a few moment to steady her breath and than she withdrew her hand and stood up, leaving her girlfriend on the floor looking at her. She give her an hand to her per up and than went to the bathroom without even looking at Stacy.

As she reached the bathroom, she washed her hands to clean herself from Stacy's fluids. She looked into the mirror to see her own face. Her bottom lips was swollen and broken on the left where Stacy's teeth had bit harder.  
She jumped into the shower not caring enough to wait the shower to warm up. The cold water sobered her a little, and she started to cry, her tears mingling with the water. She looked at her hands, thinking about what she had done a moment ago. She fucked Stacy, she fucked her like she was a whore, not her lover. She felt dirty an guilty. When she went back to their room, Stacy was sleeping and she lay down near her, and she kissed softly her cheek before whispering into her ear.

"I'm sorry," she said, and she started silently to cry

Sara didn't know, but behind the wall, in the room next to hers, Tegan was doing exactly the same thing.


	8. Bruises

**A/N**  
_I hope someone is still reading this :) I hope you will like this chapter guys. I hope this will make you like Stacy a little more (ahahaha I don't think so ahahaha)_  
_Let me know, leave a review :P_  
_Always sorry for my English._

**Chapter 8: Bruises**

When Sara woke up the next morning, Stacy was still asleep at her side. She looked at her for a few minutes, tracing her skin where she left marks the night before. She thought about last night, about how she used Stacy, and she felt guilty even because she knew they were loud, and she was sure that everyone in the rooms next to theirs, had heard them. It was late so maybe they were asleep, but what if her sister had heard them? Just the thought made Sara sick to her stomach.  
She stood up from the bed and headed to the bathroom to prepare herself for the day. Brushing her teeth was not so easy that morning, her bottom lip was swollen and sore and there was even a crust on the left side. _Fuck, I can't even smile without bleeding_, she thought.

When she came back from the bathroom, Stacy was laying on her back, completely sprawled on the mattress. The covers were entangled at her left leg, but the rest of her body was completely bare. Sara froze for a moment seeing the true damages she had done. Stacy's inner thighs were covered with bruises. If she wasn't sure they did it consensually together, Sara would have thought someone had raped her girlfriend.  
She walked up to the bed and looked at Stacy for a couple of minutes before she lay next to her again. She felt horrible for what she had done, and she felt even worse because she knew she had to wake her. They had to check out and go to the bus, and on the road again.  
She placed a light kiss on Stacy's shoulder while she caressed her bruised legs with the most soft touch she was capable of, her fingertips barely touching Stacy's skin. After few more kisses, Stacy smiled without opening her eyes but Sara didn't notice. Stacy didn't say a thing for few minutes, just enjoying Sara's touch.

"Good morning," Stacy said finally. Sara, taken by surprise, involuntary pressed her fingers on Stacy's bruises, and Stacy hissed.  
"Oh God, I'm so sorry," Sara said quickly, withdrawing her hand from Stacy's legs. Stacy smiled looking at her in the eyes. She took Sara's hand again and placed it on her stomach.  
"I'm ok," Stacy said, smiling as Sara started to draw random figures around Stacy's belly button.  
"No Stacy, I really am sorry," Sara said after a minute of silence.

Stacy shifted on her side to face Sara, and in the motion she hissed again.  
"Don't be, you didn't do anything I didn't want..." she paused for a moment, "or enjoyed," she added smirking.

Sara smiled weakly, now moving her hand up and down Stacy's side. She gave Stacy a little sweet kiss, and then she rested her forehead against Stacy's.

"Besides, I want to wake up like this every morning," Stacy said smiling. Sara looked again at her.  
"Sore?" she asked, half mockingly, half really questioningly. They both laughed.  
"With you touching me lovingly, like if you really care," Stacy said, not really thinking about her words. The room fell silent, they both surprised by Stacy's words. Sara's hand froze flat on Stacy's side, Stacy held her breath. She didn't mean to say that, even if she had thoughts lately, she didn't want to say a thing like that.  
"Sara, I... I didn't... I mean..." Stacy was trying to say something but her words died in her throat.  
"I care, I really do..." Sara said firmly, now looking in Stacy's eyes. Her tone wasn't upset or annoyed, she was just stating a fact. And it was true, she did really care about Stacy, and that was why she felt bad about all the things she was doing to her.

Then Sara kissed Stacy again with her aching lips, slowly, sweetly, trying to put her emotions and her feelings into the kiss, but scared that doing that, Stacy could find that something was missing. There was love, but not that feeling of giving yourself completely to someone else, that was something she couldn't give to anyone.  
They looked at each other one more time, and Sara smiled when she saw the contentment filling and lighting up Stacy's eyes.  
For a moment Sara thought that or Stacy was happy because she had what she wanted, or was happy because she didn't really knew what it felt like to kiss someone who really loved you as you loved them, with every fiber of their being. She felt a little bad for Stacy, and for herself, because the only time Sara felt like that, was with the only person she couldn't have.

"What...?" Stacy's voice brought her back to reality.  
"Hum?" Sara hummed, looking again at Stacy.

Stacy didn't say anything but giggled a little, pecking Sara lightly on the lips one last time and hopping out of the bed. Sara watched her going toward the bathroom, walking strangely due to her bruises.  
As soon as Stacy was into the bathroom, Sara sighed and started to gather her belongings to pack them. She wore some comfy pants and shirt for the five our travel on the bus.  
Soon, Stacy was back again with both of their toilet bags.

"You didn't even try to cover them?" Sara asked, gesturing the marks she left on Stacy's neck.  
"Why? I wear them proudly," Stacy said smirking.

After a few minutes they were heading to the front desk, and they were at least a half an hour late. When Sara's eyes laid on the familiar figure near the door, discomfort washed all over her.

Tegan woke up early in the morning, she took a long shower, trying to wash away the tears and the pain that had disturbed her during the night.  
She tried so hard to block out the loud sounds of her sister and Stacy having sex. Her stomach clenched at the thought. That was something unexpected, it was something so primal and animalistic that it almost scared her. And she knew that if it wasn't for the deadly pain in her chest, all of that would have turned her on. But the thought and images of her sister and Stacy entangled in a mess of flesh and fluids and the raw song they were singing together during the fight, mixed with the pain she felt for her missing feelings for Lindsey, were killing her.

She put on her underwear and a shirt, and then packed her bag. She didn't want to woke Lindsey because it was early so she just sat on the bed, looking at her in her sleep. She looked so sweet and relaxed. Maybe she was dreaming something nice because she had a smile on her face. Occasionally Tegan placed a light kiss on Lindsey nose just to see her wrinkle it in that cute way that always made Tegan smile. She spent an hour just watching her when suddenly Lindsey shifted, lying on her back, exposing her chest. She didn't even know when Lindsey took of her shirt. When Tegan fell asleep, Lindsey was in her pajama, but now she was wearing just her short pants. She wasn't complaining, it was a beautiful view. She smiled as she bent, hovering Lindsey.  
Tegan began to blow softly on Lindsey's chest until her nipples hardened. Lindsey moved in her sleep as a little moan left her lips.  
Tegan looked at her face and when she was sure Lindsey was still asleep, she smiled and placed a soft kiss on her lips, then she slid her mouth to Lindsey chest, kissing her breasts, and then teasing with her tongue around Lindsey hard nipples. Lindsey arched her back in her sleep as Tegan took her left nipple into her mouth, sucking on it. Tegan brushed her fingertips from Lindsey's chest to her mound. Lindsey wasn't that wet when she started to rub her gently, but after few moment's Lindsey began to move under her hand, raising her hips to gain more friction. Tegan looked back at her face, and Lindsey was smiling with her eyes still closed. After few seconds, Tegan felt the wetness on her fingers as she started to circle Lindsey's swollen button faster. Tegan kissed Lindsey's chest again and bite softly at her nipple just to caress it with her tongue a moment later. Lindsey's hand found its place in Tegan's hair, and Tegan kissed her way back to Lindsey's lips. When they lips met, Tegan entered Lindsey with two fingers.

"Oh my God," Lindsey moaned into Tegan's mouth,

Tegan smiled, pumping in and out fast, each time pressing her palm on Lindsey's bundle of nerves. Lindsey hips were raising to met Tegan movements, and it wasn't long before she came in Tegan's palm with a low, long moan.  
She steadied her breath before finally opening her eyes. She smiles looking at Tegan, and then pecked her on the lips.

"Good morning," Tegan said with a smirk.  
"Indeed," Lindsey responded giggling, and then kissing her.

Tegan lay flat on Lindsey's body for a minute, then she lifted the weight of her upper body on her arms, pressing her hips into Lindsey. Lindsey smiled at her, then with a single movement, she shifted their position. She pressed her thighs between Tegan's legs, and felt her wetness toward her boy-shorts. She started to grind against Tegan's center. As Lindsey looked up for a moment, her eyes laid on the clock on the nightstand.

"We'll be late, maybe I should take a shower," Lindsey said, stopping her movements. She was teasing Tegan, but her voice was filled with lust and came out low and ragged. Tegan groaned.  
"Where do you think you're going?" Tegan said, in a raspy tone.

Lindsey felt Tegan's hands on the small of her back, pulling her closer. She looked down at Tegan again, smirking, Tegan's eyes were full of lust as she began to ride her thigh again. She started slowly, but soon her movements became frantic and desperate, accompanied by her panting. Lindsey lifted up Tegan's t-shirt and lowered her bra, starting to suck and bite on her nipples softly. Tegan's moans went louder as she went closer to her climax. Lindsey moved her leg away and Tegan cried at the loss of contact. Her eyes were still closed when a moment later Lindsey tore off her boyshorts abruptly. Wasting no time, she licked and then sucked on Tegan's swollen button. After few seconds of Lindsey working with her mouth, Tegan came hard, muffling her cry into one of the pillows. She rest there, with the pillow on her face, catching her breath.

"I think you need to change again," Lindsey said, and when Tegan put the pillow aside, she threw Tegan her damp boy-shorts giggling. Tegan faked a disgusted face.  
"It's your fault," Tegan said, smirking at Lindsey.  
"Maybe," Lindsey replied, smiling and getting out of bed, "I think I need a shower," she added, taking her toilet bag and heading to the door of the bathroom. Before she entered the room, she turned her head.  
"I love you," Lindsey said.  
"I know," said Tegan back, smiling.

When Lindsey came out from the bathroom, Tegan had already packed the few things Lindsey had around, and they left the room.

They were waiting for Sara, she and Stacy were late. As she turned to go to call them, Tegan saw them. Stacy was walking strangely and Sara was carrying Stacy's suitcase too. When they were near enough, Tegan noticed the bruises on Stacy's neck, and her stomach clenched. She looked intently into Sara's eyes for a moment, and then at her cut lip, before turning away.

When they went on the bus, she reached her own bunk and lay there, alone, whilst in the front, the guys were laughing and making jokes about Stacy. Tegan put on her headphones trying hard to block out every sound. She lay there for an hour before coming out again.

Sara was in her bunk with her curtains slightly opened when she saw her sister. She came out just a minute later. She knew that the guys were all asleep after the long night, and Stacy too, was resting to regain energies. Lindsey was in her bunk, working on the photos she had taken and listening to music with her headphones on.  
Sara reached Tegan into the front of the bus, she was serving herself a cup of coffee, even if she didn't love it that much. When she saw Sara coming in and sitting on the couch, she barely turned her head.

"Do you want a cup?" Tegan asked in a flat tone.  
"Yes, please," Sara said shyly. Her tone made Tegan turn her head to look at her, Sara was looking at her feet. Tegan knew that Sara felt embarrassed. She didn't say anything but she handed a mug of coffee to Sara.  
"Thank you," Sara said, finally looking for a moment into Tegan's eyes, Tegan smiled weakly, nodding. But her sister turned her gaze at her feet again. Tegan sat at the table, near the couch, near Sara.

"What the hell have you done to her?" Tegan said, trying not to sound annoyed.  
Sara looked back at her, her cheeks were red.  
"I was drunk..." Sara said. Tegan waited for more, but nothing else came out from her sister.  
"Shit Sara, you two were so loud I bet people heard you from blocks away," Tegan said, and this time her anger was evident. Sara's face reddened for embarrassment, shame and annoyance.  
"Well they have to mind their fucking business, and you too," Sara said, breathing heavily. She felt guilty and embarrassed enough, not needing her sister to be pitiless. Tegan stood up abruptly and walked toward the door separating the main space from the bunks. Before opening the door she stopped for a moment.

"You should have asked her to cover those marks," Tegan said trying to sound neutral.  
"Why? She said she wears them proudly," Sara replied annoyed.  
"Fuck Sara," she said turning her head a little but not facing her sister "what people would think seeing that mess and your broken lips?" Tegan said raising her voice a little this time.  
"Really, Tegan? Do you think I give a fuck about what people could think?" Sara said, raising her voice too. Yea, she cared about what people could think, that was so unlike her. But Tegan was pissing her off again. Tegan turned completely to face Sara.  
"I should have known you don't fucking care how I... how people could feel," Tegan said, her eyes were watering as she turned again to leave the room. She was giving herself away and she felt so stupid. _What the hell I'm doing? _Tegan thought.

_I care about how you feel_. Sara said to herself, watching her sister leaving her alone, some tears running down her cheeks. _How could you think I don't care?_ She asked herself. She wanted Stacy to cover those marks, she felt a ashamed for what she did, and she felt guilty because she knew that seeing Stacy like that would have pissed Tegan off, and maybe even hurt her. But how she could ask Stacy to cover the mess if she didn't want to? She felt like shit, stuck in the middle of her feelings. She was trying hard to build her walls again, but she was failing miserably.

After few minutes, she washed Tegan's and her own cup before heading back to the bunks. Someone was now snoring loudly so she took her book and went on the back of the bus. When she opened the door, Tegan was there, on the left side, her eyes were closed and she could hear the music coming from Tegan's headphones. Tegan didn't notice Sara entering the room, and Sara did her best not to be noticed. She leaned on the other side of the room, opening her book. But she couldn't read. After 20 minutes, she was reading the same paragraph over and over again, looking at her sister every couple of minutes. She closed her book when she noticed the tears falling from Tegan eyes. Sara felt her heart stop and broke in pieces. She looked at her until Tegan start to sob a little, her body lightly shaking with each sob. Sara silently walked toward her sister, and when she was in front of her, she knelt at her side. She reached out with her hand and wiped the tears away with her thumb.

The unexpected touch made Tegan open her eyes in fear and her arms were moved by their own, defensively. She couldn't stop in time, and she didn't even know what part of her arm hit Sara's face. She didn't hit her hard, but the push and the precarious position Sara was in, were enough to made Sara lose her balance. She fell on her butt.

"What the fuck, you scared me!" Tegan almost yelled.  
"I'm sorry," Sara said, looking at her feet and not to Tegan, she felt suddenly embarrassed, again.

Tegan didn't say a thing for a long moment while she was sitting on the couch. She looked at Sara again and her eyes went on her lips, her eyes widen for a moment as she reached Sara on the floor.  
The sudden movement scared Sara a little, and she looked at Tegan afraid. Tegan put her hands on Sara's cheeks, and Sara sighed in relief when she felt the gentle touch of Tegan hands. For a moment she thought Tegan was angry and was about to... maybe not hit her, but a gentle touch was the last thing she was expecting.

"Shit, you're bleeding," Tegan said. Sara frowned and touched her own lips with her palm, she hissed in pain and then watched at her hand. She was bleeding, and the reopened cut on her lip hurt. She felt her sister arms wrapping around her waist as she was helping her to stand up from the floor.

"Wait a second," Tegan said, leaving Sara on the couch.

Tegan went to the front again, taking few napkins and wetting one of them.  
Just half an hour ago she was so hurt and mad at Sara, and now she was rushing to help her. That thought made her smile. It wasn't a happy smile, or a sad one. It was just that even if she were mad, she cared about everything involving Sara, even the most little thing, and she knew she couldn't do anything about that, it was a simple fact.

She came back to Sara that was sat on the couch, her cut was still bleeding and her chin was covered in blood, a couple of drops had slid on her neck.  
She reached Sara quickly and sat near her. She gave Sara one of the napkins to clean her hand, and she put one of her hands on Sara's head and moved gently it to the side, then she cleaned her neck and chin with the wet napkin, and a moment later she used another napkin to dry Sara's face. When her fingertips accidentally touched Sara's neck, she saw the goosebumps erupting on Sara's skin, and she saw Sara swallow.  
Tegan put her hand on Sara's cheek whilst she took the damp napkin, holding it just under the cut, trying not to push too hard and hurt Sara. Her eyes went to met Sara's. She was looking at her with an unreadable expression, and Tegan smiled weakly. Her eyes slid again on Sara's lip, her mind unable to stand that look. A minute later the cut stopped bleeding and Tegan tried to wipe the blood from Sara's lips with the napkin. Sara's lips parted a little as she exhaled a trembling breath. She looked at Sara's eyes again but they were closed now. Sara nuzzled her head into Tegan's palm, Tegan didn't realize she was gently rubbing Sara's cheeks.  
Tegan closed her eyes and took a couple of deep breath until she felt something wetting her hand. When she opened her eyes again, she noticed that Sara was now crying silently, trying hard to hold back the tears, but failing.

"I'm sorry," Tegan said, wiping Sara's tears with her hands.

Sara cried even more. She was the one who had to apologize, not Tegan. Instead, Tegan was there, helping her, caring about her, touching er so lovingly. _Why? Why are you e so gentle with me?_ She thought. She felt like she didn't deserve it.  
Her eyes were still closed when she felt Tegan's fingertips trace her hairline and stuck a strand of hair behind her ear.  
Sara lost it, she put her forehead on Tegan shoulder and start to cry freely, without even try to hold back her sobs. Tegan was taken by surprise by this sudden break down. She placed a hand on the nape of Sara's neck and started to play with her short hair there, knowing that that had a calming effect on her sister. The other hand was rubbing comfortingly Sara's back. After a couple of minutes, her shirt was damp with Sara's tears. She moved her hand up and down on Sara's nape, rising goosebumps. She kissed Sara's head, and in that moment Sara hugged her tightly, moving her head so that now her lips were almost touching Tegan's neck. Tegan hugged her back without stopping her hand on Sara's back.

"It's ok, don't cry," Tegan said, trying to comfort her, not a so simple task now that her mind was spinning, and with the trembling breaths of Sara caressing her neck, making her shiver.

_It's not Tegan, it will never be. I'm in love with you, I'm in love my own sister, my twin, how could it be ok? It's killing me, I don't know if I can stand this anymore._ Sara thought, crying helplessly.

Tegan turned her head and kissed Sara near her ear, and then rested her cheeks on Sara's head. Sara squeezed her tight and rested her face in the crook of Tegan's neck, her lips touching her skin.  
Tegan swallowed visibly, she was almost sure that Sara could feel her pulse with her lips pressed on her neck.  
For a moment Sara thought it was her own lip to pulse, but she realized it was Tegan's pulse instead. She brushed her lips softly on Tegan's skin, trying not to hurt her own lip. She felt her fast pulse as probably Tegan's heart was beating fast as her own.  
She couldn't hold herself, she parted her lips a little and touched Tegan's skin with the tip of her tongue. It was so light that she hoped Tegan didn't notice, but she felt Tegan holding her breath for a moment. Then Tegan started to push her back slowly, her breath was a little short.  
When their eyes met, they knew they were both scared as hell for all the things they were feeling, and at the same time, there was nothing they wanted more than be there, gently and lovingly touching each other.

Tegan smiled a little and just a moment later, the door opened behind her. She saw Sara's eyes looking to the door and her eyes widen. Tegan froze for a moment.

"What the fuck it's happening?" Tegan was hit by Stacy's voice. They both withdrew their hands and Tegan didn't turn until she felt a hand on her shoulder. She turned her head and her eyes met Lindsey's. Tegan features softened a little even if the look on Lindsey face was harsh. Lindsey looked at Sara's lip and then at the napkins on the floor.

"What happened?" Lindsey asked to Tegan.

Tegan rose from the couch and smiled weakly at her, trying to hide what she was feeling inside. For a moment she had all of that feelings for Sara rushing into her veins, and as soon as she heard Stacy's voice, all she felt was fear, fear for what she was feeling, fear to be caught, fear that they could read her feelings. And she knew was the same for her sister.

"I was... I was half asleep and she scared me and and I hit her, I didn't do it on purpose," she said looking at Sara, she nodded.

Lindsey expression softened a little and she slid her hand from Tegan's shoulder to her hand, holding it. As Lindsey squeezed her hand, Tegan turned to look at her again, and even if Lindsey was trying to smile, Tegan saw that veil of sadness into her eyes again. Tegan brought Lindsey's hand to her lips and smacked it a couple of time, Lindsey smiled a little more.

"Let me take a look," Stacy said reaching for Sara, and she took her face in her hands. Her touch wasn't gentle and soft like Tegan's.  
"Are you ok?" Stacy asked and Sara nodded. Stacy placed a kiss on the corner of Sara's lips on the other side from the cut. Sara smiled weakly.  
"You have to be careful with my baby," Stacy said looking at Tegan, she looked annoyed.  
"Hey, I didn't do that in the first place," Tegan said back, looking at her straight in the eyes.

Stacy laughed looking at Sara again, taking her by her sides and hugging her from behind.  
"True, that my fault," she said, kissing Sara's cheeks and neck, and then resting her chin on her shoulder.

"Jesus Christ, first her head, and now... look at you two..." Lindsey said laughing, "what are you? Wild animals?" she said teasing them.  
"That quite the effect she has on me," Stacy said squeezing Sara further more, and starting to sway their bodies together.

Tegan and Sara looked at each other, and Sara's face turned red under her sister's gaze. She saw the pain and the disgust in her eyes.

"Stacy... please..." Sara said shyly, trying to push away from Stacy.  
"What?" Stacy said, "You weren't that shy last night," she added, giving her a squeeze before letting her go.  
"Stacy!" Sara almost yelled, embarrassed. Stacy and Lindsey laughed, Lindsey laugh sounded one of amusement, but Stacy's sounded a little more mischievous, and that hit Tegan.

"You need to cover those," Tegan said seriously, pointing Stacy's neck and shoulders.  
"Why? I like them..." Stacy said with a grin on her face.  
"Yeah, but I don't want people to think that my sister is an animal," Tegan said firmly.  
"It's that your problem? That fans could think she has this wild side? I think it's a good thing," she said, "shy in the light of day, wild in the darkness of the night," she said with a devilish giggle.  
"What the hell, Stacy, stop it," Sara said turning to face her, "Anyway, she's right," she added, glancing at Tegan for a moment.  
"Why? I liked it, what the matter?" Stacy said, looking at Sara now.  
"Jesus, Stacy, this isn't me," Sara said gesturing the marks, "I'm not like that, and I don't want fans to think I'm like that. Plus, we have this image to keep, I'm the shy one and she's the confident and kind of wild twin, people love us that way," Sara said, she wasn't really thinking about what she was saying. And she didn't really care about fans, in that moment. Maybe that was even true, but she just wanted her to cover that marks that made her feel uncomfortable every time her sister and Stacy were in the same room.  
"Yeah, next time remember that when you're about to fuck someone so hard that they will walk funny for days," Stacy said through clenched teeth. Her words weren't meant to piss Sara off, but to strike someone else.

"That's enough," Tegan said disgusted, she turned still holding Lindsey hand. She stopped after a few steps.  
"Cover them, they make people feel uncomfortable," She said without turning.  
"People? They make YOU feel uncomfortable," Stacy said angrily.  
Tegan turned again and took a few steps toward Stacy.  
"Yeah, they make ME feel uncomfortable. I don't want to think what you two do into your bed every time I look at you. It's disgusting," Tegan said looking at Stacy in the eyes.  
Stacy didn't say a thing, she just looked at her until Tegan looked away to met Sara's eyes. Sara had that pained look on her face that made Tegan's stomach clench. She turned again and left the room taking Lindsey with her.

"What was that?" Sara said, her jaw tightened.  
"What?" Stacy replied annoyed.  
"Why did you have to say those things?" Sara said, anger rising into her body.  
"What did I say?" Stacy said mischievously.  
"Jesus Christ, Stacy. You made all of us feel uncomfortable with your mouth," Sara was trying to calm herself down, she didn't want to fight with Stacy, she couldn't, not now that she needed her the most, "you know, it's awful to think about your sister having sex with someone. It's like imagining your parent doing it... it's disgusting. It's the same thing for me," she added, trying to find something with a little sense to convince Stacy to hide the damn marks. Stacy didn't reply, she looked at Sara for a long moment then she just left her there, alone.

Stacy closed the door behind her and leaned her back against it.  
"I know, it awful for you to image your sister having sex with someone ELSE," she said in a whisper, a tear falling from her right eye. Stacy thought no one was hearing her, but Lindsey was lying into her bunk just a step away, and when she heard those words, tears started to fall from her eyes too.


End file.
